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- STUPID SLOGANS WAITING TO BE COPYRIGHTED -
- or -
- THIS IS AMERICA - IF YOU HAVE SOMETHING TO SAY, -
- GET IT OFF YOUR CHEST AND ONTO A BUMPER STICKER -
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* Don't drink and drive - you might hit a bump and spill it.
* Don't drink and park - accidents cause people.
* Keep America beautiful, swallow your beer cans.
* If money can't buy happiness, I guess you'll just have to rent it.
* Drive defensively, buy a tank.
* I used to think I was indecisive, but now I'm not too sure.
* Famous last words: Don't unplug it, it will just take a moment to fix.
* Famous last words: What happens if you touch these two wires tog--
* Famous last words: Don't worry, it's not loaded.
* Everything I need to know I got from watching Gilligan's Island.
* It doesn't matter how hard you've studied;
the material won't be on the exam anyway.
* Sticks and stones may break my bones, but whips and chains excite me.
* If it doesn't fit, force it; if it breaks, it needed replacement anyway.
* Reality is a figment of your imagination.
* Life is just one of those things.
* Don't use force; use a bigger hammer.
* Make WAR, not SEX, it's safer!
* You know it's going to be a bad day
when you jump out of bed and miss the floor.
* I can handle pain until it hurts.
* It's not what you say in your argument, it's how loud you say it.
* Live teddy bears are best.
* Nothing is illegal until you get caught.
* The ultimate reason is "because."
* I'm objective; I object to everything.
* You cannot achieve the impossible without attempting the absurd.
* Kiss me twice. I'm schizophrenic.
* You're not drunk if you can lie on the floor without hanging on.
* Abandon the search for Truth; settle for a good fantasy.
* If you cannot convince them, confuse them.
* A day for firm decisions!!! Or is it??
* If you can't learn to do it well, learn to enjoy doing it badly.
* I have always been crazy, but it kept me from going insane.
* Never give a sucker an even break; take everything you can from him.
* Millions of years ago, man climbed out of the slime.
You want to join the party?
* Laws are like bones; they're made to be broken.
* It's only a game until you lose.
* If God had intended man to watch TV, he would have given him rabbit ears.
* Gravity is a myth, the Earth sucks.
* Fine day to work off excess energy, steal something heavy.
* If you didn't get caught, did you really do it?
* Everything is unimportant in some way.
* Life is a terminal disease.
* Your lucky color has faded.
* Overdrawn? But I still have checks left!
* Yeah, there's a lot of stress here, but I'm not straining.
* How 'bout coming up to my place for a spot of heavy breathing?
* The world's so terrible that one can only make fun of it.
* No matter where you go; you're there.
* Life's biggest question is whether or not you're happy -
not with others, but with yourself.
* Love isn't love until you give it away.
* Don't take me literally.
* Nothing is ever 100%
* I'd love to go out with you, but I have to stay home and see if I snore.
* I'd love to go out with you, but it's my parakeet's bowling night.
* I'd love to go out with you, but I'm having all my plants neutered.
* If you think this week was a drag, wait till you see what happens
next week!
* If you knew what you were doing, you'd be bored.
* It's not just reality that matters.
* Pets aren't dangerous; just don't let them carry guns.
* The unexamined life is not worth living.
* You can't dream too much; you can't do enough to make your dreams
come true.
* Where does it go? It doesn't matter. Flush it.
* The world is coming to an end. Please log off.
* Experience varies directly with equipment ruined.
* Avoid reality at all costs.
* Take everything in stride. Trample anyone who gets in your way.
* Do not believe in miracles - rely on them.
* It looks like blind screaming hedonism won out.
* Save the whales, collect the whole set.
* If everything is coming your way, then you're in the wrong lane.
* 90% of everything is crud.
* LSD melts in your mind, not in your hands.
* Earn cash in your spare time, blackmail your friends.
* Oh well, I guess this is just going to be one of those lifetimes.
* Don't believe everything you hear or anything you say.
* Death is life's way of telling you you're fired.
* If all else fails, throw up.
* Do we know that life has a cause?
* No one is perfect, but some of us are closer than others.
* Live fast, die young, and leave a good looking corpse behind.
* Fun is just point of view.
* If you understand something today, it must be obsolete.
* If ours is a man made world, why can't we remake it?
* My rules apply only to other people, not myself.
* In God we trust; all others must pay cash.
* It's only hopeless if you walk away.
* Keep that sense of humor; it's critical.
* Imagination is the foundation of reality.
* Life is a glitch in the universal program;
death is just the programmer's way of debugging.
* The real trick to carrying on is not getting carried away.
* Life's a tough job, and the hours are a bitch.
* Everything is possible; just not too probable.
* Since when is talking a sign of thinking?
* Looking to God for answers is premature.
* I like quality, not quantity.
* Why should I grow up? This is more fun!
* I have crossed and recrossed the line between sanity and
madness so many times that I have all but rubbed it out.
* Reality is all a point of view.
* Don't play with your food, especially after you've already eaten it.
* Kinky sex is for those who can't handle normal sex.
* Hugs don't feel as good on the computer.
* Speak softly, but carry an M16.
* Change a life; make someone feel important.
* Don't let schooling get in the way of your education.
* It's all a pigment of your hallucination.
* Your type doesn't stay around long enough to stay your type.
* Yea, though I walk through the valley of death, I will
fear no evil, for I am the meanest sonofabitch in the valley.
* Consider yourself hugged.
* Just take a cold shower and sleep it off.
* In theory, everything works.
* Life is recursive.
* The light at the end of the tunnel is the headlight of the oncoming train.
* Plagiarism is copying from one source; research is copying from
two or more.
* Repetition is always better the second time.
* Clever is getting out alive.
* Around here, to be nuts is normal, to be sane is stupid.
* Just plead the Fifth -- or drink it -- either way.
* Death is the consequence of being alive.
* Life's a beach, and then you drown.
* Don't worry about life; you're not going to survive it, anyway.
* Never open a book before 4 p.m. Sunday. (Rule of Weekend Studying)
* Believe in Darwin; cancer cures smoking.
* Time flies when you don't know what you're doing.
* People who think they know what they're doing
are especially annoying to those of us who do.
* Have a nice day . . . somewhere else.
* Was today really necessary?
* Life without bears would be unbearable.
* Lead me not into temptation; I can find it myself.
* I've no time to prepare a profound message.
* Life is too important to be taken seriously.
* Whatever it is -- I didn't do it!
* You're twisted, depraved, and rotten to the core . . .
I like that in a person.
* Rainy days and automatic weapons always get me down.
* Optimism: Waiting for a ship to come in when you haven't sent one out.
* It's been Monday all week.
* When all else fails, lower your standards.
* I'm surrounded by idiots!
* Do unto others before they do unto you.
* Why be normal?
* I don't know, I don't care, and it doesn't make any difference.
* Don't take life too seriously; it's not permanent.
* If you're gonna go, go obnoxiously.
* I'm only a hypochondriac when I'm feeling sick.
* I don't think I'd be so bored if I didn't have so much to do.
* Never trust a nun with a gun.
* It's an IBM; it's got an excuse.
* Don't compute and drive; the life you save may be your own.
* No matter how bad a situation is, if you can't laugh at it,
you are in really deep sh*t.
* Never go into a hug off balance.
* Life's a bitch, and then you're reincarnated.
* Cute and interesting are two different things.
* If there were no such thing as bears, what kind of hugs would we give?
* Life without glasses is fuzzy-wonderful.
* It's your right to be stupid, but it doesn't mean you should be.
* Life's a trip and then you run out of Travelers' Checks.
* If life's a trip, then where's my ticket?
* IBM: The stupidity goes in when the name goes on.
* I wouldn't know how to act if I weren't in trouble.
* If you're gonna' panic, panic constructively.
* A kibble is one thousand nibbles.
* Having a good time can be deadly.
* Reality is only fantasy gone stale.
* Be good; if you can't be good, forget it!
* If you can't go first class, charge it.
* Reality is a nice place, but I wouldn't want to live there.
* Be fruit fly and multiple.
* Sarcasm helps keep you from telling people what you really think of them.
* Wouldn't it be nice if there was an Escape key for all of our problems?
* I know my biology; it's your biology I don't know.
* Life isn't weird; it's the people in it.
* I should have known better; every happy moment in my life came from lying.
* If you can't be weird, why be?
* It isn't homework unless it's due tomorrow.
* Gravity always gets me down.
* I've given up trying to escape from reality; they always find me anyway.
* I'm serious; it was a joke.
* Hairy Kiwi: Death by fruit.
* If we're going to have fun, we've got to be serious about it.
* If I can't fix it, it ain't broken.
* I'm not a psychiatrist; I'm just an expert at being confused.
* Now that I've finally got my act together,
I've forgotten what I'm supposed to do with it.
* I cleaned up my act once, but I decided it was more fun when it was dirty.
* This was only a test; if this had been a real emergency, you'd be dead.
* For him to get an idea, it would be a surgical process.
* I'm not a creep; I'm actually a wonderful person
hiding inside the body of a creep.
* I'm not crazy; I'm just a sane person trapped in the body of a lunatic.
* Being good at being stupid doesn't count.
* Some have morals, some don't, most simply ignore them.
* You can't be late until you show up.
* It doesn't matter what temperature a room is; it's always room temperature.
* I just love nonverbal communication!
* If we don't know it already, chances are we're not interested in
learning it.
* You've gotta' die in creative ways.
* They keep saying the right person will come along;
I think mine got hit by a truck.
* Get out of my reality!
* If it's not nailed down, it's fair game.
* It's beautiful the way it is; why spoil it by making it legal?
* Everybody looks brave holding a machine gun.
* It's not when you get up, but when you get down.
* I must have a prodigious quantity of mind;
it takes me as much as a week sometimes to make it up.
* I don't have any solution but I certainly admire the problem.
* Every time I think I know where it's at, they move it.
* To err is human, to forgive is not Company Policy.
* Of course there is no reason for it, it's
just my policy.
* Of course it's the murder weapon. Who would frame someone with a fake?
* When in doubt, use brute force.
* Excellent time to become a missing person.
* A nuclear war can ruin your whole day.
* Confidence is the feeling you have before you understand the situation.
* All things are possible, except skiing through a revolving door.
* My opinions may have changed, but not the fact that I am right.
* Just because you're paranoid doesn't mean that they AREN'T after you.
* Never hit a man with glasses. Hit him with a baseball bat.
* Your lucky number is 32345543423225. Watch for it everywhere.
* They told me I was gullible .. and I believed them.
* When you do not know what you are doing, do it neatly.
* Don't tell me any big lies today. Small ones can be just as effective.
* Look out! Behind you!
* Honesty is the best policy, but insanity is a better defense.
* If at first you don't succeed, redefine success.
* Laughter is the closest distance between two people.
* Kiss your keyboard goodbye!
* If you are feeling good, don't worry. You'll get over it.
* Never put off till tomorrow what you can avoid all together.
* Your lucky number has been disconnected.
* Darth Vader sleeps with a Teddywookie.
* A professor is one who talks in someone else's sleep.
* Give your child mental blocks for Christmas.
* Death is God's way of telling you not to be such a wise guy.
* Amnesia used to be my favorite word, but then I forgot it.
* I haven't lost my mind -- it's backed up on tape somewhere.
* The shortest distance between two points is under construction.
* There cannot be a crisis next week. My schedule is already full.
* Today is an excellent day to have a rotten day.
* Today is the first day of the rest of the mess.
* You know it's a bad day when...
... the sun comes up in the west.
... you jump out of bed and miss the floor.
... the bird singing outside your window is a buzzard.
... you put both contact lenses in the same eye.
... your pet rock snaps at you.
... the blind date turns out to be your ex-wife.
... your income tax refund check bounces.
... you put your bra on backwards and it fits better.
... Suicide Prevention puts you on hold.
* Nothing is as easy as it looks.
* Everything takes longer than you think.
* It is impossible to make anything foolproof because fools are so ingenious.
* Mother Nature is a bitch.
* Smile . . . tomorrow will be worse.
* When things just can't get any worse, they will.
* Anytime things appear to be going better, you have overlooked something.
* No matter what goes wrong, it will probably look right.
* Once a job is fouled up, anything done to improve it only makes it worse.
* Always keep a record of data - it indicates you've been working.
* In case of doubt, make it sound convincing.
* Experiments should be reproducible - they should all fail in the same way.
* Do not believe in miracles - rely on them.
* Anything that begins well, ends badly.
Anything that begins badly, ends worse.
* Any given program, when running, it is obsolete.
* Any given program costs more and takes longer.
* If a program is useful, it will have to be changed.
* If a program is useless, it will have to be documented.
* Profanity is the one language all programmers know best.
* No matter how much you do, you'll never do enough.
* What you don't do is always more important than what you do do.
* When it rains, it pours.
* The course of progress: Most things get steadily worse.
* Everything put together sooner or later falls apart.
* Things will get worse before they get better.
* Who said things would get better?
* Things get worse under pressure.
* Nothing ever goes away.
* You always find something in the last place you look.
* You can't fall off the floor.
* Anything can be made to work if you fiddle with it long enough.
* If you mess with a thing long enough, it'll break.
* Push something hard enough and it will fall.
* The solution to a problem changes the nature of the problem.
* Inside every large problem is a small problem struggling to get out.
* A good plan today is better than a perfect plan tomorrow.
* Too much of a good thing is wonderful.
* It's not an optical illusion, it just looks like one.
* You are only young once, but you can stay immature indefinitely.
* Test tube babies shouldn't throw stones.
* If God intended men to smoke, He would have set him on fire.
* Drugs may be the road to nowhere, but at least they're the scenic route.
* Whoever has the gold makes the rules.
* Nice guys don't finish nice.
* It's morally wrong to allow suckers to keep their money.
* It's better to have a horrible ending than to have horrors without end.
* Never eat more than you can lift.
* Until you walk a mile in another man's moccasins you can't imagine the
smell.
* It was such a lovely day I thought it was a pity to get up.
* I may have my faults, but being wrong isn't one of them.
* If today was a fish, I'd throw it back in.
* Never go to bed mad, stay up and fight.
* I talk to myself because I like dealing with a better class of people.
* I have a new philosophy. I'm only going to dread one day at a time.
* The only reason people get lost in thought is because it's unfamiliar
territory.
* Stop crime at its source! Support Planned Parenthood.
* The 100% American is 99% an idiot.
* If you drink, don't drive. Don't even putt.
* There's no point in being grownup if you can't be childish sometimes.
* You're being followed; cut out the hanky-panky for a few days.
* You've been leading a dog's life. Stay off the furniture.
* The whole purpose of your life is to serve as a warning to others.
* A gleekzorp without a ternpee is like a quop without a fertsneet
(sort of)
* Laugh at your problems, everyone else does.
* If Murphy's Law can go wrong, it will.
* Don't abandon hope: your Tom Mix decoder ring arrives tomorrow.
* Never sleep with anyone crazier than yourself.
* I'm prepared for all emergencies.
But I'm totally unprepared for everyday life.
* A bird in the hand is safer than one overhead.
* The new baby is like royalty, he's the prince of wails.
* He heard she was stuck up and asked how much they got.
* Ill-bred children are always displaying their pest manners.
* He had never seen the Catskill Mountains, but had seen them kill mice.
* The pants were very sad, they were depressed.
* Her body was recovered, she bought a new suit of clothes.
* If a women changed her sex, what would her religion be?
She would be a he-then.
* When asked if he had missed school lately, the boy said `Not a bit.`
* The former ruler of Russia and his wife were called Tsar and
Tsarina, so clearly their children were called Tsardines.
* Students may like nitrates, they're cheaper than day rates.
* New with a K in front is a Canoe.
* He thought the formula for water was H-I-J-K-L-M-N-O, H-to-O.
* Little rivers which run into the Nile, Juveniles.
* Did you hear about the two peanuts walking down the road
when one of them was assaulted?
* It's bad luck to be superstitious.
* Radioactive cats have 18 half-lives.
* Support bacteria, it's the only culture some people have.
* Don't let people drive you crazy when you know it's in walking distance.
* When does summertime come to Minnesota you ask?
Well, last year I think it was a Tuesday.
* I wouldn't recommend sex, drugs or insanity for everyone,
but they've always worked for me.
* I believe in getting in hot water; it keeps you clean.
* If you can't be good, be careful. If you can't be careful, give me a call.
* Had this been an actual emergency, we would
have fled in terror and you wouldn't have been notified.
* According to my best recollection, I don't remember.
* Get forgiveness now - tomorrow you may no longer feel guilty.
* Tomorrow will be canceled due to lack of interest.
* CChheecckk yyoouurr dduupplleexx sswwiittcchh..
* Cautious: Breathing may be hazardous to your health.
* Schizophrenia beats being alone.
* Today is the tomorrow you worried about yesterday.
* Anything worth doing is worth overdoing.
* Sex is not the answer. Sex is the question. Yes is the answer.
* I think that I think, therefore I think that I am.
* The more things change, the more they stay insane.
* They're only trying to make me LOOK paranoid.
* If you don't care where you are, then you ain't lost.
* Do what comes naturally now. Seethe and fume and throw a tantrum.
* Everybody is somebody else's weirdo.
* Honk if you like peace and quiet.
* Never count your chickens before they rip your lips off.
* Quick!! Act as if nothing has happened!
* Paul Revere was a tattle-tail.
* Monday is an awful was to spend 1/7 of your life.
* Fine day to throw a party. Throw him as far as you can.
* Keep grandma off the streets. Legalize bingo.
Spell Checked and reformatted by Nathan Mates (nathan@cco.caltech.edu)
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