Here's something similar I grabbed from the net a couple of years ago. I added
new ones from the original "More Operating Systems" post.
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Which language is right for you?
--------------------------------
In order to help you make a competent, uncomplicated choice concerning
the competition between complex, incompatible computer compilers, we have
composed this complete, compact, composite compendium comprising comparisons
to compensate for the complaints and complements of their compromises. We
hope you will find it comprehensible rather than compost.
TASK: Shoot yourself in the foot.
----------------------------------
370 JCL:
You send your foot down to MIS and include a 400-page document
explaining exactly how you want it to be shot. Three years later, your
foot comes back deep-fried.
6502, Z80, 8080, 80286, 80x86:
You foot yourself in the shoot.
6800: You shoot yourself in the foot.
6809: You shoot half a bullet in your foot and the other half in someone
else's foot.
68000: You can't decide which gun and which bullet to use, so you hang
yourself.
Access:
You try to point the gun at your foot, but it shoots holes in all
your Borland distribution diskettes instead.
Ada: 1. The United States Department of Defense kidnaps you, stands you up in
front of a firing squad, and tells the soldiers, "Shoot at his
feet."
2. A fly lands on your foot. After filling out the appropriate forms,
in triplicate, you succeed in requisitioning an M-16 to deal with
the fly. You then proceed to shoot your foot off. The fly
survives.
APL: 1. GN [/ FT ^ BLT
2. You hear a gunshot, and there's a hole in your foot, but you don't
remember enough linear algebra to understand what the hell
happened.
3. You shoot yourself in the foot, then spend all day figuring out how
to do it in fewer characters.
Assembly:
1. You try to shoot yourself in the foot, only to discover you must
first invent the gun, the bullet, the trigger, and your foot.
2. You crash the OS and overwrite the root disk. The system adminis-
trator arrives and shoots you in the foot. After a moment of
contemplation, the administrator shoots himself in the foot and
then hops around the room rabidly shooting at everyone in sight.
BASIC (interpreted):
You shoot yourself in the foot with a water pistol until your leg is
waterlogged and falls off.
BASIC (compiled):
You shoot yourself in the foot with a BB using a SCUD missile launcher.
C: You shoot yourself in the foot and then no one else can figure out what
you did.
C++: You create a dozen instances of yourself and shoot them all in the
foot. Providing emergency medical care is impossible since you can't
tell which are bitwise copies and which are just pointing at the others
and saying, "That's me, over there!"
COBOL: USE HANDGUN.COLT(45), AIM AT LEG.FOOT, THEN WITH ARM.HAND.FINGER ON
HANDGUN.COLT(TRIGGER) PERFORM SQUEEZE, RETURN HANDGUN.COLT TO
HIP.HOLSTER.
Concurrent Euclid:
You shoot yourself in somebody else's foot.
csh: 1. % ls
foot.c foot.h foot.o toe.c toe.o
% rm * .o
rm: .o no such file or directory
% ls
%
2. After searching the manual until your foot falls asleep, you shoot
the computer and switch to C.
dBase: You buy a gun. Bullets are only available from another company and are
promised to work so you buy them. Then you find out that the next
version of the gun is the one that is scheduled to actually shoot
bullets.
FORTH: Foot in yourself shoot.
FORTRAN:
You shoot yourself in each toe, iteratively, until you run out of toes.
You shoot the sixth bullet anyway since no exception-processing was
anticipated.
HyperTalk:
Put the first bullet of gun into foot left of leg of you. Answer the
result.
LISP: You shoot yourself in the appendage which holds the gun with which you
shoot yourself in the appendage which holds the gun with which you
shoot yourself in the appendage which holds the gun with which you
shoot yourself in the appendage which holds the gun with which you
shoot yourself in the appendage which holds the gun with which you
shoot yourself in the appendage which holds...
Modula-2:
You perform a shooting on what might currently be a foot with what
might currently be a bullet shot by what might currently be a gun.
Motif: You spend days writing a UIL description of your foot, the bullet, its
trajectory, and the intricate scrollwork on the ivory handles of the
gun. When you finally get around to pulling the trigger, the gun jams.
occam: You shoot both your feet with several guns at once.
ORCA/C:
Byteworks keeps promising to supply good ammunition RSN!
Paradox:
Not only can you shoot yourself in the foot, your users can, too.
Pascal:
1. Same as Modula-2, except the bullet is not of the right type for
the gun and your hand is blown off.
2. You try to shoot yourself in the foot, but it tells you that your
foot is the wrong type and out of range to boot!
PL/I: After consuming all system resources including bullets, the data
processing department doubles its size, acquires two new mainframes
and drops the original on your foot.
Prolog (interpreted):
Your program tries to shoot you in the foot, but you die of old age
before the bullet leaves the gun.
Prolog (compiled):
The facts are against you. You try to stop the gun from shooting you
in the foot, but it replies, "No."
Revelation:
You are sure you will be able to shoot yourself in the foot, just as
soon as you figure out what all those nifty little bullet-thingies are
for.
Smalltalk, Actor:
After playing with the graphics for three weeks the programming
manager shoots you in the head.
SNOBOL:
1. Grab your foot with your hand and rewrite your hand to be a bullet.
2. If you succeed, shoot yourself in the left foot. If you fail, shoot
yourself in the right foot.
Visual BASIC:
You really only appear to have shot yourself in the foot, but you have
so much fun doing it that you won't care.
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
--
Dave Spensley / davesp@comm.mot.com / cds015@email.comm.mot.com
We seem to missing the object orientated languages from the many lists
of foot shooting around:
Magik: After thinking making your hand inherit behaviour from your
foot would be good idea, you lose your holding abilities and drop the
gun on your foot.
Eiffel: You create a GUN object, two FOOT objects and a BULLET object.
The GUN passes both the FOOT objects a reference to the BULLET. The
FOOT objects increment their hole counts and forget about the BULLET.
A little demon then drives a garbage truck over your feet and grabs
the bullet (both of it) on the way.
Smalltalk: You send the message shoot to gun, with selectors bullet
and myFoot. A window pops up saying Gunpowder doesNotUnderstand:
spark. After several fruitless hours spent browsing the methods for
Trigger, FiringPin and IdealGas, you take the easy way out and create
ShotFoot, a subclass of Foot with an additional instance variable
bullet hole.
--
Yours Virtually,
Neil Pawson
.-- .- ... .. - .-- --- .-. - .... - .... . . ..-. ..-. --- .-. - ..--..
neil.pawson@smallworld.co.uk (foo to you too) Nil Illegitimae Carborundum
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