101.102934745245 USES FOR YOUR PENTIUM
Now that Intel has finally admitted what most of us knew from the
beginning, we have some suggestions for what to do with your Pentium.
1. Make a one-hitter.
2. Space heater.
3. Hell, keep the chip: just get Microsoft to change the standard...
2 + 2 now equals 3.981769.
4. Grind it up with coffee for some extra zip.
5. It's loaded with fiber.
6. Post it notes.
7. Use it to close an open wound.
8. Jewelry.
9. Pave roads.
10. Build a bridge out of 'em.
11. Calculate pi (it will kick out a finite number, saving a good deal of
system time on more useful machines).
12. S&M for computer nerds.
13. Chia-Pentium.
14. Use as an electric charcoal lighter.
15. Use to scrape the Intel Inside (warning) label off of your computer.
16. Retile a pool.
17. Scooby snacks.
18. You can use it as a random number generator- just give it a division
problem.
19. Hot plate.
20. Looks cool hanging from a rear-view mirror (not really).
21. Buy a Mac. Put Pentium beside your Mac to remind you of your young and
foolish days..
22. Donate to Smithsonian - can go in room with ENIAC.
23. Calculate your taxes with it- Good excuse when the IRS audits you.
24. Father's day gift.
25. Bike reflectors.
26. Put it in talking Barbie- "Math class is kinda tough".
27. Mounting plate for dead pet rock.
28. Mood ring.
29. Good conversation piece.
30. Trade in for 8088.
31. Use as poker chips.
32. Garnish.
33. Zippo flints.
34. X-mas ornaments.
35. Tape to pens to keep people from stealing them.
36. Buy Windows 95. Run it on your Pentium. 6 months later, check into
Betty Ford Clinic.
37. Paint Motorola logo on it and try to sell it in the 3rd world.
38. Cop killer bullets.
39. Name your band after it.
40. Take a picture of it.
41. Fishing lure.
42. Put it in the nuclear reactors that we are sending to North Korea.
43. Letterman: stupid Pentium tricks.
44. Donate to NSA so they can try to break PGP with it.
45. Good with dip(s).
46. You put your weed in there.
47. Use as rocks in fish tank.
48. Scrabble pieces (Worth 5.1112324652 points!).
49. Crummy Legos.
50. Patch holes in jeans.
51. Birth control (just show it to her).
52. Cleats.
53. Golf tee.
54. Beard comb.
55. Dog chew toy.
56. Refrigerator magnet.
57. Use as heat tiles on the Space Shuttle.
58. Hood ornament.
59. Put under tires of car for traction when you are stuck in the snow.
60. Scratch off lottery tickets.
61. Whetstone.
62. X-mas present for crazy uncle.
63. Pacifier.
64. De-icer on wings of commuter planes.
65. Name tags for clerks at Wal-Mart.
66. Umbrella for cocktail drink.
67. Ghetto Pentiums- the new drinking game.
68. Electric razor (shaves really fast but not very close).
69. Bolo tie.
70. Key chain.
71. Cufflinks.
72. Pace maker (beat... Bea... Beat... ... ?.... 4.4393213... Beat...
Beat... Eat...).
73. Halloween costume (Hi, I'm crazy Pentium-head man. I've got a Pentium
instead of a head. Give me some candy!).
74. New super hero- Pentium Man... Faster then a speeding bullet.. Stronger
than a locomotive, Able leap tall buildings in 1.10132591 bounds.
75. Guitar pick.
76. Speed bumps (especially on an AppleTalk network).
77. Grind it up and sell as a aphrodisiac on the black market.
78. Deficit reduction tool: use it to recalculate the deficit, and hope it
comes out lower.
79. Windshield scraper.
80. Give to treasury department to replace penny with 1.1973219 cent piece.
81. An emotion chip for Data.
82. Wind chimes.
83. Art.
84. Support group topic.
85. Lame Shrinky-Dink.
86. Use it as a watch, you'll always have an excuse for being late.
87. Hockey puck.
88. Piss on it; puke on it; shit on it; bleed on it; you get the point.
89. Electric blanket for munchkins.
90. But under wobbly table.
91. Put on string and use as a cat toy.
92. Lame but painful whoopee cushion.
93. Replacement kneecap.
94. Take two and call Motorola in the morning..
95. Odometer for used cars.
96. Radar gun; "You were going 55.0000018675 mph in a 45 zone, sir".
97. Toys in happy meals.
98. Hi-tech ear muffs for babies.
99. Bottle opener.
100. Outfit for Madonna.
101. Secret ingredient in new SPAM substitute.
Created by Evan Schnell (schnelle@math.grin.edu),
Josh Cragun (jcragun@csc.cornell-iowa.edu),
Amanda Hoff (hoffar@caa.mrs.umn.edu), and
Andrew Cragun (pcragun@d.umn.edu)
on December 29, 1994.
List and concept Copywright 1994 Josh Cragun, Evan Schnell, Amanda Hoff, and
Andrew Cragun. Please feel free to distribute this file freely as long as it
is not modified in any way.
Pentium is a registered trademark of Intel corp.
Back to my Computer Jokes Page
Back to my humor page
Back to my home page