It's been a few months since I first posted my original list. Thanks are due
to David Chorley, Levian Segal and Mike Parr for their contributions to this,
the updated version, and, of course, to David Stromberg, who kicked off the
whole mess in the first place.
Further contributions gratefully received; please e-mail.
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David A. Wheeler, Motorola Ltd., Camberley, Surrey, England
TUK067@maccvm.corp.mot.com
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Getting to Know Your Computer
A Short Glossary of Computer Terms
Analog Hors d'oeuvre, usually made from cheese and covered with
crushed nuts.
ASCII The last name of a well-known English comedian, popular in
the late '40s-'60s.
Assembly Language Profanities used by people who build computers from kits.
Such people are known as 'cursors' (see below).
Back-up Current data errors that have been saved for future use.
See Database Back-up or File Back-up.
Binary Possessing the ability to have friends of both sexes.
Bit 12 1/2 cents ($.125).
Buffer Programmer who works in the nude.
Bug 1. Any type of insect.
2. A parasite that infests software. It is transmitted by
illicit congress between people and programs.
Byte Painful wound inflicted by dogs, snakes, children etc.
Coding An addictive drug.
Compile A heap of decomposing vegetable matter.
Computer A device used to speed and automate errors.
Control Character Any person who has money to spend for any reason.
Core The remains of an Apple when all the bytes are gone.
Crash A Normal Termination.
Cursor An expert in four-letter words.
Database A special medium used to store errors, so that they can be
processed and printed many times by the computer system.
Sometimes called Input File or Data file.
Data Processing An arcane fortune-telling method wherein one attempts to
extract hidden meanings from numbers. Akin to numerology.
Debugging Activities necessary to remove insects from any area where
they are not wanted.
Disk Drive Hardware part where errors are loaded from diskettes.
Diskette A mobile accessory to store and transfer errors.
Downtime Periods when a computer is acutely depressed and refuses to
work.
Error 1. The act of buying a computer.
2. The normal result of running a computer system.
Hardcoded Computer program code that has been allowed to dry.
Hard Disk Storage area for the most frequently used errors.
Hardware 1. Boots, leather, studs, spikes etc.
2. The parts of a computer which can be kicked.
Hexadecimal To bewitch a number.
Input See Throughput
Keyboard An instrument used for entering errors into the system
quickly.
Keypunch Device that puts the little round holes in the tops of keys.
Line Printer The device that puts the thin blue streaks across your
notebook paper.
Logic Orderly path always followed by programs & errors.
Loop See Loop.
Maintenance Activities necessary to ensure that the system continues to
produce errors and delay work efficiently.
Mouse 1. A small furry animal. Fond of analogs (see above).
2. A device which allows easier & speedier access to errors.
Never-Never Land 1. Place where no one grows up.
2. Place where programs love to go.
Sometimes also called the Twilight Zone.
Output See Input.
Password The nonsense word taped to your terminal.
Peripheral Irrelevant.
Printer A device that prints computer errors on paper.
RAM A male sheep.
Real Time Whenever the computer isn't hallucinating.
Reboot To repeatedly kick a faulty computer until it starts to
work again.
Reset A button on the computer which makes a program's trip to
Never-Never Land easier. The only way of temporarily
avoiding errors.
ROM 1. A Ram after a delicate operation.
2. What programs do in Never-Never Land.
Screen The part of the computer where errors are usually seen for
the first time. Also the part programmers most love to
break. The most ingenious feature of the Screen is the OFF
switch.
Security A feature of computer system access which helps prevent
mis-use (or proper use) of the system.
Software 1. Silk nighties, nylons, teddies etc.
2. Parts of computer that cannot be kicked.
Sometime Those occasions when a computer error message can be
interpreted and understood.
Table-Lookup A piece of furniture that has been attached to the ceiling.
Terminal A computer about to die.
Throughput See Output.
Turbo A mode in which the computer compiles errors faster. May
sometimes help programs to reach Never-Never Land.
Uptime The time in which a computer works & produces errors
quickly and efficiently.
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