******************************************
** How to shoot yourself in the foot: **
** Which language is right for you? **
******************************************
Assembler: You shoot yourself in the foot.
Ada: The Department of Defense shoots you in the foot after offering
you a blindfold and a last cigarrette.
BASIC (interpreted): You shoot yourself in the foot with a water
pistol until your leg is waterlogged and rots off.
BASIC (compiled): You shoot yourself in the foot with a BB using a
SCUD missile launcher.
C++: You create a dozen instances of yourself and shoot them all in
the foot. Not knowing which feet are virtual, medical care is
impossible.
COBOL: USE HANDGUN.COLT(45), AIM AT LEG.FOOT, THEN WITH
ARM.HAND.FINGER ON HANDGUN.COLT(TRIGGER) PREFORM SQUEEZE, RETURN
HANDGUN.COLT TO HIP.HOLSTER.
cah: After searching the manual until your foot falls asleep, you
shoot the computer and switch to C.
dBASE: You buy a gun. Bullets are only available from another company
and are promised to work so you buy them. Then you find out that the
next version of the gun is the one that is scheduled to shoot bullets.
Fortran: You shoot yourself in each toe, interactively, until you run
out of toes. You shoot the sixth bullet anyway, since no
exception-processing was anticipated.
Modula-2: You perform a shooting on what might currently be a foot
with what might currently be a bullet shot by what might currently be
a gun.
Pascal: Same as Modula-2, except the bullet is not of the right type
for the gun and your hand is blown off.
PL/1: After consuming all system resources, including bullets, the
data processing department doubles its size, acquires two new
mainframes, and drops the original on your foot.
Smalltalk, Actor, etc: After playing with the graphics for three
weeks, the programming manager shoots you in the head.
Snobol: Grab your foot with your hand and rewrite your hand to be a bullet.
PROGRAMMING LANGUAGES ARE LIKE WOMEN
by: Daniel J. Salomon Department of Computer Science, University of Waterloo
Waterloo, Ontario, Canada N2L 3G1
There are so many programming languages available that it can be very
difficult to get to know them all well enough to pick the right one for you.
On the other hand most men know what kind of woman appeals to them. So here
is a handy guide for many of the popular programming languages that describes
what kind of women they would be if programming languages were women.
Assembler - A female track star who holds all the world speed records. She
is hard and bumpy, and so is not that pleasant to embrace. She can cook up
any meal, but needs a complete and detailed recipe. She is not beautiful or
educated, and speaks in monosyllables like "MOV, JUMP, INC". She has a
fierce and violent temper that make her the choice of last resort.
FORTRAN - Your grey-haired grandmother. People make fun of her just because
she is old, but if you take the time to listen, you can learn from her
experiences and her mistakes. During her lifetime she has acquired many
useful skills in sewing and cooking (subroutine libraries) that no younger
women can match, so be thankful she is still around. She has a notoriously
bad temper and when angered will start yelling and throwing dishes. It was
mostly her bad temper that made grandad search for another wife.
COBOL - A plump secretary. She talks far too much, and most of what she says
can be ignored. She works hard and long hours, but can't handle really
complicated jobs. She has a short and unpredictable temper, so no one really
likes working with her. She can cook meals for a huge family, but only knows
bland recipes.
BASIC - The horny divorcee that lives next door. Her specialty is seducing
young boys and it seems she is always readily available for them. She
teaches them many amazing things, or at least they seem amazing because it is
their) first experience. She is not that young herself, but because she was
their first lover the boys always remember her fondly. Her cooking and
sewing skills are mediocre, but largely irrelevant, it's the frolicking that
the boys like. The opinion that adults have of Mrs. BASIC is varied.
Shockingly, some fathers actually introduce their own sons to this immoral
woman! But generally the more righteous adults try to correct the badly
influenced young men by introducing them to well behaved women like Miss
Pascal.
PL/I - A bordello madam. She wears silk dresses, diamonds, furs and red high
heels. At one time she seemed very attractive, but now she just seems
overweight and tacky. Tastes change.
C - A lady executive. An avid jogger, very healthy, and not too talkative.
Is an good cook if you like spicy food. Unless you double check everything
you say (through LINT) you can unleash her fierce temper. Her daughter C++
is still quite young and prone to tantrums, but it seems that she will grow
up into a fine young woman of milder temper and more sophisticated character.
ALGOL 60 - Your father's wartime sweetheart, petite, well proportioned, and
sweet tempered. She disappeared mysteriously during the war, but your dad
still talks about her shapely form and their steamy romance. He never
actually tasted much of her cooking.
Pascal - A grammar school teacher, and Algol 60's younger sister. Like her
sister she is petite and attractive, but very bossy. She is a good cook but
only if the recipe requires no more than one pot (module).
Modula II - A high-school teacher and Pascal's daughter. Very much like her
mother, but she has learned to cook with more than one pot.
ALGOL 68 - Algol 60's niece. A high-society woman, well educated and terse.
Few men can fully understand her when she talks, and her former lovers still
discuss her mysterious personality. She is very choosy about her romances
and won't take just any man as her lover. She hasn't been seen lately, and
rumor has it that she died in a fall from an ivory tower.
LISP - She is an aging beatnik, who lives in a rural commune with her hippie
cousins SMALLTALK and FORTH. Many men (mostly college students) who have
visited the farmhouse,-- enthusiastically praise the natural food, and
perpetual love-ins that take place there. Others criticize the long cooking
times, and the abnormal sexual postures (prefix and postfix). Although these
women seldom have full-time jobs, when they do work, their employers praise
them for their imagination, but usually not for their efficiency.
APL - A fancy caterer specializing in Greek food. She can cook delicious
meals for rows and rows of tables with dozens of people at each table. She
doesn't talk much, as that would just slow her work down. Few people can
understand her recipes, since they are in a foreign language, and are all
recorded in mirror writing.
LOGO - A grade-school art teacher. She is just the kind of teacher that you
wish you had when you were young. She is shapely and patient, but not an
interesting conversationalist. She can cook up delicious kiddie snacks, but
not full-course meals.
LUCID & PROLOG - These clever teenagers show a new kind of cooking skill.
They can cook-up fine meals without the use of recipes, working solely from a
description of the desired meal (declarative cooking). Many men are
fascinated by this and have already proposed marriage. Others complain that
the girls work very slowly, and that often the description of the meal must
be just as long as a recipe would be. It is hard to predict what these girls
will be like when they are fully mature.
Ada - A WAC colonel built like an amazon. She is always setting strict
rules, but if you follow them, she keeps her temper. She is quite talkative,
always spouting army regulations, and using obscure military talk. You gotta
love her though, because the army says so.
Robyn's first law of computers:
When putting something into memory, remember where the fuck you put it!!!
** The 16 reasons a modem is better than a woman.
0. A modem doesn't ask for a commitment if you use it.
1. Getting a modem to obey you is as simple as typing "AT".
2. When you're done using your modem, you can roll over and go to sleep
without feeling guilty.
3. A modem won't say a word if you come home late.
4. A modem can't collect alimony if you decide to dump it.
5. A modem will always wait patiently by the phone.
6. A modem doesn't bitch if you sit and play with the computer all night long.
7. You can always get a few bucks for an old modem when a faster model
comes out.
8. A modem is flat on top - hence your beer won't fall over.
9. A modem doesn't mind if you call another modem.
A. A modem doesn't require any foreplay - just an initialization command.
B. A virus you catch from your modem doesn't require a trip to the doctor.
C. You don't have to bring a modem home to meet your parents.
D. If an error occurs, Abort, Retry or Fail are the only options you
have to worry about.
E. Modems come with an instruction manual.
F. Modems have a volume control - you can even turn the sound OFF.
10 GOOD REASONS WHY COMPUTERS ARE BETTER THAN GIRLFRIENDS
1. You wouldnt bother to play StripPoker all night with a girlfriend.
2. No girlfriend can hold your undivided attention for 30 hours in a stretch.
3. Your computer never wants to be taken out for dinner.
4. Your computer dont mind if you are unshaved, havent showered this
week or are sitting by it in your underwear.
5. If a computer gets a virus, it can be cleaned away.
6. No matter how ugly your computer is, you can show it to your friends.
7. With a computer, you can press the buttons without it getting sore.
8. A computer doesnt mind you using other computers as well.
9. You will never find your computer in bed with your best friend.
10. Computers never, EVER gets a period.
//////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////
CONDOM(1) EUNUCH Programmer's Manual CONDOM(1)
NAME
condom - Protection against viruses and prevention of child processes
SYNOPSIS
condom [options] [processid]
DESCRIPTION
_condom_ provides protection against System Transmitted
Viruses (STVs) that may invade your system. Although the spread of
such viruses across a network can only be abated by aware and cautious
users, _condom_ is the only highly-effective means of preventing
viruses from entering your system (see celibacy(1)). Any data passed
to _condom_ by the protected process will be blocked, as specified by
the value of the -s option (see OPTIONS below). _condom_ is known to
defend against the following viruses and other malicious
afflictions...
o AIDS
o Herpes Simplex (genital varieties)
o Syphilis
o Crabs
o Genital warts
o Gonhorrea
o Chlamydia
o Michelangelo
o Jerusalem
When used alone or in conjunction with pill(1), sponge(1),
foam(1), and/or setiud(3), _condom_ also prevents the conception of a
child process. If invoked from within a synchronous process, _condom_
has, by default, an 80% chance of preventing the external processes
from becoming parent processes (see the -s option below). When other
process contraceptives are used, the chance of preventing a child
process from being forked becomes much greater. See pill(1),
sponge(1), foam(1), and setiud(3) for more information.
If no options are given, the current user's login process (as
determined by the environment variable USER) is protected with a
Trojan rough-cut latex condom without a reservoir tip. The optional
'processid' argument is an integer specifying the process to protect.
NOTE: _condom_ may only be used with a hard disk. _condom_
will terminate abnormally with exit code -1 if used with a floppy disk
(see DIAGNOSTICS below).
OPTIONS
The following options may be given to _condom_...
-b BRAND BRANDs are as follows...
trojan (default)
ramses
sheik
goldcoin
fourex
-m MATERIAL The valid MATERIALs are...
latex (default)
saranwrap
membrane -- WARNING! The membrane option is _not_
endorsed by the System Administrator General as an
effective barrier against certain viruses. It is
supported only for the sake of tradition.
-f FLAVOR The following FLAVORs are currently supported...
plain (default)
apple
banana
cherry
cinnamon
licorice
orange
peppermint
raspberry
spearmint
strawberry
-r Toggle reservoir tip (default is no reservoir tip)
-s STRENGTH STRENGTH is an integer between 20 and 100 specifying
the resilience of _condom_ against data passed to
_condom_ by the protected process. Using a larger
value of STRENGTH increases _condom_'s protective
abilities, but also reduces interprocess communication.
A smaller value of STRENGTH increases interprocess
communication, but also increases the likelihood of a
security breach. An extremely vigorous process or
one passing an enormous amount of data to _condom_
will increase the chance of _condom_'s failure. The
default STRENGTH is 80%.
-t TEXTURE Valid TEXTUREs are...
rough (default)
ribbed
bumps
lubricated (provides smoother interaction
between processes)
WARNING: The use of an external application to _condom_ in
order to reduce friction between processes has been proven in
benchmark tests to decrease _condom_'s strength factor! If execution
speed is important to your process, use the '-t lubricated' option.
DIAGNOSTICS
_condom_ terminates with one of the following exit codes...
-1 An attempt was made to use _condom_ on a floppy disk.
0 _condom_ exited successfully (no data was passed to the
synchronous process).
1_condom_ failed and data was allowed through. The danger of
transmission of an STV or the forking of a child process is inversely
proportional to the number of other protections employed and is
directly proportional to the ages of the processes involved.
BUGS
_condom_ is NOT 100% effective at preventing a child process
from being forked or at deterring the invasion of a virus (although
the System Administrator General has deemed that _condom_ is the most
effective means of preventing the spread of system transmitted
viruses). See celibacy(1) for information on a 100% effective program
for preventing these problems.
Remember... the use of sex(1) and other related routines
should only occur between mature, consenting processes. If you must
use sex(1), please employ _condom_ to protect your process and your
synchronous process. If we are all responsible, we can stop the spread
of STVs. AUTHORS and HISTORY
The original version of _condom_ was released in Roman times
and was only marginally effective. With the advent of modern
technology, _condom_ now supports many more options and is much more
effective.
The current release of _condom_ was written by Ken Maupin at
the University of Washington (maupin@cs.washington.edu) and was last
updated on 10/7/92. SEE ALSO
celibacy(1), sex(1), pill(1), sponge(1), foam(1), and setiud(3)
SEX(6) EUNUCH Programmer's Manual SEX(6)
NAME
sex - have sex
SYNOPSIS
sex [ options ] ... [ username ] ...
DESCRIPTION
_s_e_x allows the invoker to have sex with the user(s) speci-
fied in the command line. If no users are specified, they
are taken from the LOVERS environment variable. Options to
make things more interesting are as follows:
-1 masturbate
-a external stimulus (aphrodisiac) option
-b buggery
-B[animal]
bestiality with [animal]
-c chocolate sauce option
-C chaining option (cuffs included) (see also -m -s -W)
-d[file]
get a date with the features described in [file]
-e exhibitionism (image sent to all machines on the net)
-f foreplay option
-F nasal sex with plants
-i coitus interruptus (messy!)
-j jacuzzi option (California sites only)
-l leather option
-m masochism (see -s)
-M triple parallel (Menage a Trois) option
-n necrophilia (if target process is not dead, program kills it)
-o oral option
-O parallel access (orgy)
-p debug option (proposition only)
-P pedophilia (must specify a child process)
-q quickie (wham, bam, thank you, ma'am)
-s sadism (target must set -m)
-S sundae option
-v voyeurism (surveys the entire net)
-w whipped cream option
-W whips (see also -s, -C, and -m)
ENVIRONMENT
LOVERS
is a list of default partners which will be used if
none are specified in the command line. If any are
specified, the values in LOVERS is ignored.
FILES
/usr/lib/sex/animals animals for bestiality
/usr/lib/sex/blackbook possible dates
/usr/lib/sex/sundaes sundae recipes
/usr/lib/sex/s&m sado-masochistic equipment
BUGS
^C (quit process) may leave the user very unsatisfied.
^Z (stop process) is usually quite messy.
MAN AUTHOR
Author prefers to be anonymous.
HISTORY
Oldest program ever.
Programmer's Caste
THE C PROGRAMMER
God consults with the C programmer on every major issue.
The C programmer can walk on water.
He programs on a 33MHz 386 w/SVGA and can program an
entire graphical spreadsheet in about 2 days.
The C programmer tends to put "()" after every major verb
when they talk or write: "are you going() to see() NWA tommorow?
I'll try() to get() tickets!"
THE LISP PROGRAMMER
The Lisp programmer does lunch with God every day.
He is an olympic class swinner.
He programs on a 20MHz 386sx with VGA and can program a pretty
good text based spreadsheet in a little under a week.
The Lisp programmer tends to put parenthesis around every major
phrase in their sentences:
"((Have (you (seen)) (that (new movie) yet))?
((I heard) it was (good).))"
THE TURBO PASCAL PROGRAMMER
The Turbo Pascal programmer occasionally has a word with God.
He can swim pretty well.
Programs on a 16MHz 286 with an EGA and can program a
complicated scientific calculater in a week and a half.
the TP programmer tends to put a "begin" and an "end" before
every major topic:
"begin
That arcade game was awesome, man!
end; "
THE FORTRAN PROGRAMMER
The ForTran programmer sometimes catches a glimpse of God.
He manages to keep himself afloat in shallow water.
He programs on a 8MHz 8088 with a Herc graphics adapter (he's
too manly for color). A ForTran programmer can do a passable
caclulation device in a few weeks.
Nobody really knows how ForTran programmers talk cause ther are
so few of them around these days!
THE BASIC PROGRAMMER
The BASIC programmer knows who God is.
He has trouble avoiding drowning in his own bathtub.
BASIC programmer works on a Commadore with a Turbo Accelerator
(doubling the speed of his Commy to 2MHz! WoW!) He can make
program that accepts two numbers and adds them together in just
under 4 weeks.
The BASIC programmer puts numbers before every sentence and has
trouble when asking questions.
"10 WoW, Wayne have you seen that neato Ninja Turtles movie?"
"What Ninja Turtles movie?"
"?Redo from start"
THE LOGO PROGRAMMER
About the only thing the Logo programmer knows about God is that
it is a short enough word for them to sound out but has trouble
spelling it.
He wets himself with a squirt gun.
He programs on an Apple IIc, and can do a program that put a box
on the screen, that some might say looks like a calculater, in
about 8 weeks (with the help of his teacher).
The Logo programmer can't actually talk very well, but instead tends
to draw a whole lot of pictures, crayon being their favorite media.
*************************** BUT ****************************
THE ASSEMBLY LANGUAGE PROGRAMMER
The assembly language programmer is God.
He parts the sea when he wishes to cross it.
He programs on a 50MHz 486 with XGA adn can do a multi-tasking,
multi-user networking operating system that includes a high-level
spreadsheet program during his coffee break.
The assembly language programmer talks only in three letter words
and drops the rest of the word: " Hey, Bil, I was jus thi, do you
thi tha Rom act was an ext of the ten to cre fal ima of int abt
for pur of rel?"
How To Determine Which Programming Language You're Using:
The proliferation of modern programming languages which seem to have
stolen countless features from each other sometimes makes it difficult
to remember which language you're using. This guide is offered as a
public service to help programmers in such dilemmas.
C: You shootyourself in the foot.
Assembly: You crash the OS and overwrite the root disk. The system
administrator arrives and shoots you in the foot. After a moment of
contemplation, the administrator shoots himself in the foot and then
hops around the room rabidly shooting at everyone in sight.
APL: You hear a gunshot, and there's a hole in your foot, but you
don't remember enough linear algebra to understand what the hell
happened.
C++: You accidently create a dozen instances of yourself and shoot
them all in the foot. Providing emergency medical care is impossible
since you can't tell which are bitwise copies and which are just
pointing at others and saying, "that's me, over there."
Ada: If you are dumb enough to actually use this language, the United
States Department of Defense will kidnap you, stand you up in front of
a firing squad, and tell the soldiers, "Shoot at his feet."
Modula/2: After realizing that you can't actually accomplish anything
in the language, you shoot yourself in the head.
sh, csh,etc.: You can't remember the syntax for anything, so you spend
five hours reading man pages before giving up. You then shoot the
computer and switch to C.
Smalltalk: You spend so much time playing with the graphics and
windowing system that your boss shoots you in the foot, takes away
your workstation, and makes you develop in COBOL on a character
terminal.
FORTRAN: You shoot yourself in each toe, iteratively, until you run
out of toes, then you read in the next foot and repeat. If you run out
of bullets, you continue anyway because you have no
exception-processing ability.
Algol: You shoot yourself in the foot with a musket. The musket is
aesthetically fascinating, and the wound baffles the adolescent medic
in the emergency room.
COBOL: USEing a COLT45 HANDGUN, AIM gun at LEG.FOOT, THEN place
ARM.HAND.FINGER on HANDGUN.TRIGGER, and SQUEEZE. THEN return HANDGUN
to HOLSTER. Check whether shoelace needs to be retied.
BASIC: Shoot self in foot with water pistol. On big systems, continue
until entire lower body is waterlogged.
PL/I: You consume all available system resources, including all the
offline bullets, The Data Processing & Payroll Department doubles its
size, triples its budget, acquires four new mainframes, and drops the
original one on your foot.
SNOBOL: You grab your foot with your hand, then rewrite your hand to
be a bullet. The act of shooting the original foot then changes your
hand/bullet into yet another foot (a left foot).
lisp: You shoot yourself in the appendage which holds the gun with
which you shoot yourself in the appendage which holds the gun with
which you shoot yourself in the appendage which holds the gun with
which you shoot yourself in the appendage which holds...
scheme: You shoot yourself in the appendage which holds the gun with
which you shoot yourself in the appendage which holds the gun with
which you shoot yourself in the appendage which holds the gun with
which you shoot yourself in the appendage which holds... ...but none
of the other appendages are aware of this happening.
FORTH: begin gun foot shot bullets not or blood until
English: You put your foot in your mouth, then bite it off.
****************************************************************************
CLINTON VIRUS: Promises to give equal time to all processes: 50% to
poor, slow processes; 50% to middle-class processes, and 50% to rich
ones. This virus protests your computer's involvement in other
computer's affairs, even though it has been having one of its own for
12 years.
FEDERAL BUREAUCRAT VIRUS : Divides your hard disk into hundreds of
little units, each of which do practically nothing, but all of which
claim to be the most important part of the computer.
DAN QUAYLE VIRUS : Their is sumthing rong with yor compueter, ewe just
can't figyour out watt.
GALLUP VIRUS : Sixty percent of the PCs infected will lose 38 percent
of their data 14 percent of the time (plus or minus a 3.5 percent
margin of error). =][]
PAUL REVERE VIRUS : This revolutionary virus does not horse around. It
warns you of impending hard disk attack---once if by LAN, twice if by
C:.
POLITICALLY CORRECT VIRUS : Never calls itself a "virus", but instead
refers to itself as an "electronic microorganism".
RIGHT TO LIFE VIRUS : Won't allow you to delete a file, regardless of
how old it is. If you attempt to erase a file, it requires you to
first see a counselor about possible alternatives.
ROSS PEROT VIRUS : Activates every component in your system, just
before the whole thing quits.
MARIO CUOMO VIRUS : It would be a great virus, but it refuses to run.
OPRAH WINFREY VIRUS : Your 200MB hard drive suddenly shrinks to 80MB,
and then slowly expands back to 200MB.
AT&T VIRUS : Every three minutes it tells you what great service you
are getting.
THE MCI VIRUS : Every three minutes it reminds you that you're paying
too much for the AT&T virus.
TED TURNER VIRUS : Colorizes your monochrome monitor.
ARNOLD SCHWARZENEGGER VIRUS : Terminates and stays resident. It'll be back.
DAN QUAYLE VIRUS : Prevents your system from spawning any child
processes without joining into a binary network.
GOVERNMENT ECONOMIST VIRUS : Nothing works, but all your diagnostic
software says everything is fine.
NEW WORLD ORDER VIRUS : Probably harmless, but it makes a lot of
people really mad just thinking about it.
* Ted Kennedy Virus: Crashes your computer but denies it ever happened.
* Anita Hill Virus: Lies dormant for ten years.
* Warren Commission Virus: Won't allow you to open your files for 75 years.
* Jerry Brown Virus: Blanks your screen and begins flashing an 800 number.
* David Duke Virus: Makes your screen go completely white.
* Congress Virus: Overdraws your computer.
* Paul Tsongas Virus: Pops up on December 25 and says, "I'm not Santa Claus."
* Pat Buchanan Virus: Shifts all your output to the extreme right of
your screen.
* Dan Quayle Virus: Forces your computer to play "PGA TOUR" from
10:00am to 4:00pm six days a week.
* Bill Clinton Virus: This virus mutates from region to region and
we're not exactly sure what it does.
* Richard Nixon Virus: Also known as the "Tricky Dick Virus", you can
wipe it out but it always makes a comeback.
* Ross Perot Virus: Same as Jerry Brown virus, only nicer fonts are
used and it appears to have a lot more money and reality put into its
development.
x The Madonna Virus: If your computer gets this virus, lock up your dog!
x TERRY RANDALL VIRUS : Prints "Oh no you don't" whenever you choose
"abort" from the "Abort, Retry, Fail" message.
x TEXAS VIRUS : Makes sure it's bigger than any other file.
x ADAM AND EVE VIRUS : Takes a couple of bytes out of your Apple.
x JEFFREY DAHMER VIRUS : Eats away at your systems resources piece by piece.
x WARREN BEATTY VIRUS : Constantly tries to prove it's virility by
attaching itself to younger or newer files.
x CONGRESSIONAL VIRUS : Computer locks up, screen splits vertically
with a message appearing on each half blaming the other side for the
problem.
x AIRLINE VIRUS : You're in Dallas, but your data is in Singapore.
x FREUDIAN VIRUS : Your computer becomes obsessed with marrying its
own motherboard.
x PBS VIRUS : Your PC stops what it's doing every few minutes to ask for money.
x ELVIS VIRUS : Your computer gets fat, slow and lazy and then
self-destucts, only to resurface at shopping malls and service
stations across rural America.
x OLLIE NORTH VIRUS : Turns your printer into a document shredder.
x NIKE VIRUS : JUST DOES IT.
x SEARS VIRUS : Your data won't appear unless you buy new cables,
power supply and a set of shocks.
x JIMMY HOFFA VIRUS : Nobody can find it.
x CONGRESSIONAL VIRUS : Runs every program on the hard drive
simultaneously, but doesn't allow the user to accomplish anything.
x KEVORKIAN VIRUS : Helps your computer shut down whenever it wants to.
x IMELDA MARCOS VIRUS : Sings you a song (slightly off-key) on boot
up, then subtracts money from your Quicken account and spends it all
on expensive shoes it purchases through Prodigy.
x STAR TRECK : Invades your system in places where no virus has gone before.
x HEALTHCARE VIRUS : Tests your system for a day, finds nothing wrong,
and sends a you a bill for $4,500.
x GEORGE BUSH VIRUS (JAPANESE STRAIN) : Eats some of your files, then
immediately regurgitates them.
x GEROGE BUSH VIRUS : It starts by boldly stating "Read my text ... No
new Files" onscreen, proceeds to fill up all the free space on your
hard drive with new files, and then blames it on the Congress virus.
x QUANTUM LEAP VIRUS : One day your PC is a laptop, the next day it is
a Macintosh, then a Nintendo.
x LAPD VIRUs : It claims it feels threatened by the other files on
your PC and erases them in "self-defence".
****************************************************************************
COMPUTER SCIENTISTS hunt elephants by excercising Algorithm A:
1. Go to Africa.
2. Start at the Cape of Good Hope.
3. Work northward in an orderly manner, traversing the continent
alternately east and west.
4. During each traverse pass:
a. Catch each animal seen.
b. Compare each animal caught to a known elephant.
c. Stop when a match is found.
EXPERIENCED COMPUTER PROGRAMMERS modify Algorithm A by placing a known
elephant in Cairo to ensure that the algorithm will terminate.
ASSEMBLY LANGUAGE PROGRAMMERS prefer to execute Algorithm A on their
hands and knees.
ENGINEERS hunt elephants by going to Africa, catching gray animals at
random, and stopping when any one of them weighs within plus or minus
15 percent of any previously observed elephant.
ECONOMISTS don't hunt elephants, but they believe that if elephants
are paid enough, they will hunt themselves.
STATISTICIANS hunt the 1st animal they see N times and call it an elephant.
CONSULTANTS don't hunt elephants, and many have never hunted anything
at all, but they can be hired by the hour to advise those people who
do. OPERATIONS RESEARCH CONSULTANTS can also measure the correlation
of hat size and bullet color to the efficiency of elephant-hunting
strategies, if someone else will only identify the elephants.
LAWYERS don't hunt elephants, but they do follow the herds around
arguing about who owns the droppings. SOFTWARE LAWYERS will claim
that they own an entire herd based on the look and feel of one
dropping.
VICE PRESIDENTS of engineering, research and development try hard to
hunt elephants, but their staffs are designed to prevent it. When the
V.P. does get to hunt elephants, the staff will try to ensure that all
possible elephants are completely prehunted before the V.P. sees
them. If the V.P. does see a nonprehunted elephant, the staff will
(1) compliment the V.P.'s keen eyesight and
(2) enlarge itself to prevent any recurrence.
SENIOR MANAGERS set broad elephant-hunting policy based on the
assumption that elephants are just like field mice, but with deeper
voices.
QUALITY ASSURANCE INSPECTORS ignore the elephants and look for
mistakes the other hunters made when they were packing the jeep.
SALESPEOPLE don't hunt elephants, but spend their time selling
elephants they haven't caught, for delivery two days before the season
opens. SOFTWARE SALESPEOPLE ship the first thing they catch and write
up an invoice for an elephant. HARDWARE SALESPEOPLE catch rabbits,
paint them gray, and sell them as Desktop Elephants.
LOGICIANS hunt elephants by drawing a circle on the ground with a
stick. That circle contains the NULL set of elephants, and outside
the circle contains the complete set of elephants. Then they invert
the sets and all the elephants are now within the circle.
C PROGRAMMERS search for the first animal, usually by way of pointers,
and then typecast it to that of an elephant
UNIX PROGRAMMERS can't hunt elephants. They aren't priveledged enough.
Note that the '%' prompt indicates the C shell, while the '$' prompt
indicates the Bourne shell. Go ahead and try some ...
^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^
% rm meese-ethics
rm: meese-ethics nonexistent
% ar m God
ar: God does not exist
% "How would you rate Quayle's incompetence?
Unmatched ".
% ^How did the sex change^ operation go?
Modifier failed.
% If I had a ( for every $ the Congress spent, what would I have?
Too many ('s.
% make love
Make: Don't know how to make love. Stop.
% sleep with me
bad character
% got a light?
No match.
% man: why did you get a divorce?
man:: Too many arguments.
% ^What is saccharine?
Bad substitute.
% %blow
%blow: No such job.
% \(-
(-: Command not found.
$ PATH=pretending! /usr/ucb/which sense
no sense in pretending!
$ drink [bottle; opener
bottle: cannot open
opener: not found
$ mkdir matter; cat ]matter
matter: cannot create
Our Program, who art in memory
Hello be thy name
Thy operating system come,
Thy command be done,
At the printer as they are on the screen.
Give us this day our daily data,
And forgive us our errors
As we forgive those whose logic circuits are faulty.
Lead us not into frustration,
And deliver us from power surges.
For thine is the algorithm, the application, and the solution,
Looping forever and ever. Return.
Types of computer person you may meet:
1. The Software scientist.
This is a man who takes a mathematical algorithm, performs a series of
transformations on it and ends up with a program in
lambda-calculus. This program is _correct_, meaning it will do what it
is supposed to. Now all he needs is a lambda-calculus interpreter, a
stable operating system, a computer with a proven architecture and an
uninterruptable power supply.
2. The Software engineer.
This is a man who thinks that if he divides the task up into small
enough pieces, it will disappear and he can go back to reading news.
3. The Programmer.
The programmer will listen to your requirements, sit down and actually
write you a program. Unfortunately, it doesn't do what you want it to,
but what the programmer thinks you _ought_ to want it to do.
4. The Hacker.
The hacker will listen while you tell him what you want, say "that's
easy", and type an amazingly long command line with about 30 pipes. As
the line executes, you can hear the disk thrashing away with the
effort of opening and closing all the temporary files.
5. The Hardware Buff.
This is the guy who tries to implement an awk interpreter in discrete
logic...
6. The System Administrator.
While idly looking round to see what's going on, discovers a process
with a suspicious-sounding name, kills it and asks you via mail what
it was. This happened to me: the process was my login shell, bash!
99 logic errors in a program, 99 logic errors,
fix one up, run it again
100 logic errors in a program.
100 logic errors in a program, 100 logic errors,
fix one up, run it again
101 logic errors in a program.
101 logic errors in a program, 101 logic errors,
fix one up, run it again
102 logic errors in a program.
A roomful of professionals are all asked to prove that all odd numbers
(besides 1) are prime.
The physicist says: "3 is prime... 5 is prime... 7 is
prime... 9... well, experimental error. 11 is prime..random test 23,
done."
The mathematician says: "3 is prime, 5 is prime, 7 is
prime... therefore, by induction on 2n-1, all odd numbers are prime."
The engineer says: "3 is prime... 5 is prime... 7 is prime... 9 is
prime... 11 is prime... ..."
The chemist says: "3 is prime, 5 is prime, 7 is prime; well, I guess
that's enough data!"
The Biologist says: "What's a prime?"
The programmer says: "Wait a minute, I think I have an algorithm from
Knuth on finding prime numbers... just a little bit longer, I've found
the last bug... no, that's not it... ya know, I think there may be a
compiler bug here - oh, did you want IEEE-998.0334 rounding or not? -
was that in the spec? - hold on, I've almost got it - I was up all
night working on this program, ya know... now if management would just
get me that new workstation tha just came out, I'd be done by
now... etc., etc. ..."
The computer scientist says: "3 is prime... 5 is prime... 7 is
prime... 7 is prime... 7 is prime... 7 is prime... ..."
The psychologist says: "3 is prime... 5 is prime... 7 is prime... 9 is
latently prime but repressing it... 11 is prime... ..."
The social scientist says: "3 is prime... 5 is prime... 7 is
prime... we'll pretend 9 is prime... 11 is prime... ..."
The sociologist says: Proof by a sociologist: "2 true, 4 true, 6 true,
8 true, ..."
The economist says: Let us assume that, ceteris paribus, all odd
numbers are prime ...
The Keynsean economist says: Since no integer greater than one can
divide a prime number, all primes greater than two are odd. Q.E.D.
The world can spot a cs engineering students from miles off. I should
know, I am one myself.
The ten sure clues:
1. When dating: ends up together in front of a computer.
2. In the street: he's the one carrying a box of floppy discs.
3. In discussion: is the one who starts laughing hysterically when the
topic of computer reliability is brought up.
4. Anywhere: Red watery eyes, and sleepy if awake before 4pm.
5. Bumper sticker on car: My ware is harder, bigger and faster than yours.
6. Thinks a perfect Saturday Night is a fast fsp-connection to a base
with plenty gifs, and a case of Heineken.
7. Cancels dates because he's too occupied with a new mud.
8. Keeps being caught with Playboy by the scanner.
9. Keeps more than 16 sheeps of printouts on his desk.
10. Thinks IRC is the perfect way to get dates.
DICTIONARY
----------
ABEND:
The IBM term for ABortive END. It's what you do to bring the
system down when all else fails. Also, (jokingly) the command issued
to the system to enable the third-shift operators to leave early (from
the german Guten Abend, meaning good evening).
Real Men Don't Eat Quiche:
It's a wonderful little booklet, describing, with a lot of
humor, how a Modern Real Man can live in a world of quiche eaters.
Cuisinart:
State-of-the-art, and rather expensive, brand of food processor.
Call-by-value-return:
This is how FORTRAN compilers usually pass parameters to
subroutines. It's not the same as call by reference (or by name),
since you are not passing the addresses (references to) each
individual parameter, but rather both the caller and the callee know
where the parameter block is and deal with it appropriately.
Arithmetic-IF statements:
Computed GOTO:
Assigned GOTO:
`Interesting' FORTRAN constructs: An arithmetic if is a
statement like this:
IF (expression) label1,label2,label3
If expression evaluates to negative, zero, or positive, the execution
will continue at label1, label2 or label3, respectively. In
REAL FORTRAN, of course, expression is just an integer variable!
A computed GOTO is like the ON GOTO in BASIC (yuck!):
GOTO (label1,label2,...,labeln),N
when N is an index into the list of labels. If N[0 or N]n
the following statement is executed.
An assigned GOTO is a bit different. You can assigne a label
to an integer variable using the ASSIGN statement; you can say ASSIGN
10 TO IFOO, and then use IFOO as a label (e.g., GOTO IFOO). The GOTO
IFOO (label1,label2,...,labeln) statement branches to that label
matched by IFOO. If none is matched, execution continues. It's used
when IFOO can have been set to a variety of labels, but you only want
to branch is it has been set to some particular values. You can say
it's a set membership operation! Now, how many CS seniors know that, I
wonder!
CP/M:
Control Program for Microcomputers. A very antiquated (ca
1978?) rudimentary operating system for 8080-based
microcomuters. Would have been picked up by IBM instead of MSDOS,
(then called QDOS) had the president of Digital Research not been out
to lunch with instructions not to be interrupted!
IJK305I:
IBM messages are usually three letters (indicating the module
the error occured in), followed by a number, followed by a letter
indicating the severity of the error. I is Information. IJK is a
fictitious prefiex. The closest to that one is IKJ, which is the MVS
(then OS) nucleus, if my memory serves me right. (I actually tried to
look up this message when I was working for IBM!)
Orange Crush:
Fluorescent-orange colored liquid, kind of like orange soda
without the carbonation. Gross.
Peanut-butter-filled-cheese-bars:
Vending-machine type of junk food. Also available at
supermarket checkout counters. These are cheese-flavored (just
flavored, no real cheese) crackers filled with rancid peanut butter or
mock-cheese spread. Usually three one-square-inch sandwiches to a
package.
Double-stuffed Oreos:
A brand of cookies made by Nabisco. They are `sandwich'
cookies, two ~2 inch, very dark, supposedly chocolate-flavor cookies,
with a vanilla-flavored stuffing. They are very common in the US.
Twinkies:
YA example of junk food. These are small cakes filled with
some sort of custard. They are not too bad (taste-wise).
PART I: LOAD TIME
1. You can always tell a good idea by the enemies it makes.
- programmer's axiom
2. Everything always takes twice as long and costs four times as much
as you planned.
- programmer's axiom
3. It's never the technical stuff that gets you in trouble. It's the
personalities and the politics.
- programmer's sayings
4. Those who can't do, teach.
- article of faith among students
And vice-versa.
- programmer's addendum to students' article of faith
5. Living with a programmer is easy. All you need is the patience of a saint.
- programmer's wives' saying
6. Applications programming is a race between software engineers, who
strive to produce idiot-proof programs, and the Universe which strives
to produce bigger idiots.
- software engineers' saying
So far, the Universe is winning.
- applications programmers' saying
7. The three most dangerous things in the world are a programmer with
a soldering iron, a hardware type with a program patch and a user with
an idea.
- computer saying
8. You can't do just one thing.
- Campbell's Law of everything
9. Friends come an go, but enemies accumulate.
- Murphy's Law #1024
and sometimes the the real trick is telling the difference.
- Murphy's Law #1024a
10. Whenever you use a jump, be sure of your destination address.
- programmer's saying
PART II: LINK TIME
11.Always secure your files. You never know who's lurking about.
- programmer's saying
12. Never argue with a redhaired witch. It wastes your breath and only
delays the inevitable.
- the collected sayings of Wiz Zumwalt
13. If you eat a live toad first thing in the morning, nothing worse
will happen all day long.
- California saying
To you or the toad.
- Niven's restatement of California saying
--well, most of the time, anyway...
- programmer's caveat to Niven's restatement of California saying
PART III: COMPILE
14. You never find out the whole story until after you've signed the contract.
- programmer's saying
15. A jump gone awry is one of the hardest bugs to locate.
- programmer's saying
16. You can't unscramble an egg.
- old saying
You can if you're powerful enough.
- the collected sayings of Wiz Zumwalt
17. Magic is real, unless declared integer.
- the collected sayings of Wiz Zumwalt
18. Any sufficiently advanced technology is indistinguishable from magic.
- Clarke's law
Any sufficiently advanced magic is indistinguishable from technology.
- Murphy's reformulation of Clarke's law
Any sufficiently advanced magic is indistinguishable from a rigged
demostration.
- programmer's restatement of Murphy's reformulation of Clarke's law
19. Putting twice as many programmers on a project that is late will
make it twice as late.
- Brooks' law of programming projects
20. Never give a sucker an even break.
- W. C. Fields
Especially not if he's a big mean sucker.
- the collected sayings of Wiz Zumwalt
PART IV: RUN TIME
21. Sleep? Isn't that a completely inadequate substitute for caffine?
- programmer's saying
22. Good client relations are the key to a successful project.
- consultants' saying
23. At some time in the project you're going to have to break down and
finally define the problem.
- programmer's saying
24. Customer support is an art, not a science.
- marketing saying
So are most other forms of torture.
- programmers' response
25. Programming is like pinball. The reward for doing it is the
opportunity of doing it again.
- programmers' saying
Getting to Know Your Computer
A Short Glossary of Computer Terms
Analog Hors d'oeuvre, usually made from cheese and covered with crushed nuts.
Back-up Current data errors that have been saved for future use.
See Database Back-up or File Back-up.
Binary Possessing the ability to have friends of both sexes.
Bit 12 1/2 cents ($.125).
Buffer Programmer who works in the nude.
Bug Any type of insect.
Byte Painful wound inflicted by dogs, snakes, children etc.
Coding An addictive drug.
Compile A heap of decomposing vegetable matter.
Computer A device used to speed and automate errors.
Control Character Any person who has money to spend for any reason.
Crash A Normal Termination.
Cursor An Expert in four-letter words.
Database A special medium used to store errors, so that they can be
processed and printed many times by the computer system. Sometimes
called Input File or Data file.
Debugging Activities necessary to remove insects from any area where
they are not wanted.
Downtime The time in which the computer rests while you sink into the
lower depths of depression. (Downtime typically takes place while you
are in the middle of your most important work on the computer.).
Errors The normal result of running a computer system.
Hardcoded Computer program code that has been allowed to dry.
Hardware 1. Boots, leather, studs, spikes and such.
2. The parts of a computer which can be kicked.
Keyboard An instrument used for entering errors into the system quickly.
Logic Orderly path always followed by programs & errors.
Loop See Loop.
Maintenance Activities necessary to ensure that the system continues
to produce errors and delay work efficiently.
Never-Never Land 1. Place where no one grows up.
2. Place where programs love to go.
Password The nonsense word taped to your terminal.
Printer A device that prints computer errors on paper.
RAM A male sheep.
ROM 1. A Ram after a delicate operation.
2. What programs do in Never-Never Land.
Software 1. Silk nighties, nylons, teddies etc.
2. Parts of computer that can not be kicked.
Sometime Those occasions when a computer error message can be
interpreted and understood.
Security A feature of computer system access which helps prevent the
mis-use (or proper use) of the system.
Table-Lookup A piece of furniture that has been attached to the ceiling.
Uptime The time in which a computer works & produces errors quickly
and efficiently.
Q: What does a computer science graduate say to a humanities graduate?
A: I'll have the burger and fries, please.
The reason computer chips are so small is computers don't eat much.
The world is coming to an end. Please log off.
The world is coming to an end ... SAVE YOUR BUFFERS!!!
Well, my terminal's locked up, and I ain't got any Mail,
And I can't recall the last time that my program didn't fail;
I've got stacks in my structs, I've got arrays in my queues,
I've got the : Segmentation violation -- Core dumped blues.
If you think that it's nice that you get what you C,
Then go : illogical statement with your whole family,
'Cause the Supreme Court ain't the only place with : Bus error views.
I've got the : Segmentation violation -- Core dumped blues.
On a PDP-11, life should be a breeze,
But with VAXen in the house even magnetic tapes would freeze.
Now you might think that unlike VAXen I'd know who I abuse,
I've got the : Segmentation violation -- Core dumped blues.
-- Core Dumped Blues
Whom computers would destroy, they must first drive mad.
Nurse Donna:
Do you believe in computer dating?
Groucho:
Only if the computers really love each other.
Helpful error messages:
Someone in a compiler writing class produced a compiler with one
error message "you lied to me when you told me this was a program"
Our lab's run by three of us (a guy is the 'manager' over all, a girl is
the 'operator' [read: Vax runner], and I run the Suns), and we tend to
pull practical jokes on each other every once in a while. The manager came
up with a real beauty last week.
In the SHUTDOWN.COM procedures, he added a few lines to make it look like
this:
blahblah perform automatic reboot? blah blah...
(right after the last 'normal' question)
Will I dream? [yes] (she types yes)
Great! Lord knows I love a good dream.
[system comes down]
backup..
[system comes back up..enter SYLOGIN.COM]
(audit messages about images coming up)
Press [RETURN]:
Let me fill you in on my dream! It was horrible!! I dreamt I was
totally out-dated and I ran 4.3! And every night, after you all
left, the Suns tormented me through the window! They're real
bitches, those Suns! One even threw a Mip at me!
I was so SCARED...God I'm glad you're back!
Welcome to VAX/VMS 5.3-1.
"Learned more from a three minute bug fix than we ever did in school."
Bruce Sprinsteen
"Four score and seven (hundred) bugs ago, our fore-fathers brought forth
a new application."
from The Gettysbug Address
"If we can't fix it, it isn't broken."
Lab manager
I think therefore I create bugs."
Descartes
"Debug is human, de-fix divine."
"There's a bug born every minute, and two to replace him."
P. T. Bugem
Final message received from the Titanic: "Fatal crash due to icebug."
"One small bug for man, one great program for mankind."
N. Armstrong
"The bug is mightier than the fix."
Cyrano deBuggerac
"Man does not live by bug fixes alone."
The Super-User
"For every bug fixed, there is a bigger bug not yet discovered."
"I have just begun to debug."
MS-DOS--Just say "no"
-- David Yolt
OS/2...The nightmare continues...
As I heard in the news today, the Americans have developed a now
top-secret high-tech bomber.
It is called X11R5, it's codename is 'Windows'
Tagline seen on a local user group BBS:
The best way to accelerate a Mac is at 9.8m/sec^2.
Shit happens in......
C++ shit.happens() ;
prolog happens(shit, you).
C core dump
Lisp ((((((happens(shit)))))))
BASIC GOSUB 10000
Computer programers love cross-border shopping, as it re-inforces
their basic need to declare everything.
God is real ... unless declared an integer
Twas the night before crisis,
And all through the house,
Not a program was working,
Not even a browse.
Programmers were wrung out,
Too mindless to care,
Knowing chances of cutover
Hadn't a prayer.
The users were nestled
All snug in their beds,
While visions of inquiries
Danced in their heads.
When out in the lobby
There arose such a clatter,
That I sprang from my tube
To see what was the matter.
And what to my wondering
Eyes should appear,
But a Super Programmer,
Oblivious to fear.
More rapid than eagles,
His programs they came
And he whistled and shouted
And called them by name.
On Update! On Add!
On Inquiry! On Delete!
On Batch Jobs! On Closing!
On Functions Complete!
His eyes were glazed over,
His fingers were lean,
From weekends and nights
Spent in front of a screen.
A wink of his eye,
And a twist of his head,
Soon gave me to know
I had nothing to dread.
He spoke not a word,
But went straight to his work,
Turning specs into code,
Then he turned with a jerk.
And laying his fingers
Upon the ENTER key,
The system came up,
And worked perfectly!
The updates updated;
The deletes they deleted;
The inquiries inquired;
And the closing completed.
He tested each whistle,
He tested each bell,
With nary an abend,
And all had gone well.
The system was finished,
The tests were concluded,
The client's last changes
Were even included!
And the client exclaimed,
With a snarl and a taunt,
"It's just what I asked for,
But it's not what I want!"
Back to my Computer Jokes Page
Back to my humor page
Back to my home page