I have collected some past humorous postings from many sources on the net, put them in some sort of order and I am reposting them here. Apologies to the original posters and authors, but in many cases such details got edited out in the interest of conserving space. Apologies if you've seen them before! Peter Piacenza ---------------------------------------------------------------------- ====================================================================== Subject: Computer One-liners ====================================================================== WARNING: No user serviceable characters in these taglines. ========================================================== ------------------------------------------------------------------------ [ 1] Is reading in the bathroom considered Multi-Tasking? ------------------------------------------------------------------------ [ 2] My computer isn't that nervous...it's just a bit ANSI. ------------------------------------------------------------------------ [ 3] If only women came with pull-down menus and online help. ------------------------------------------------------------------------ [ 4] My computer's sick. I think my modem is a carrier. ------------------------------------------------------------------------ [ 5] Gotta run, the cat's caught in the printer. ------------------------------------------------------------------------ [ 6] Honey, I Formatted the Kid! ------------------------------------------------------------------------ [ 7] Spelling checkers at maximum! Fire! ------------------------------------------------------------------------ [ 8] Your e-mail has been returned due to insufficient voltage. ------------------------------------------------------------------------ [ 9] Who is General Failure and why is he reading my disk? ------------------------------------------------------------------------ [ 10] Hex dump: Where witches put used curses... ------------------------------------------------------------------------ [ 11] Finish your mail packet! Children are offline in India. ------------------------------------------------------------------------ [ 12] Never violate the Prime Directory! C:\ ------------------------------------------------------------------------ [ 13] Multitasking: Screwing up several things at once... ------------------------------------------------------------------------ [ 14] Maniac: An early computer built by nuts... ------------------------------------------------------------------------ [ 15] Stack Error: Lost on a cluttered desk... ------------------------------------------------------------------------ [ 16] Stack Overflow: Too many pancakes... ------------------------------------------------------------------------ [ 17] Terminal glare: A look that kills... ------------------------------------------------------------------------ [ 18] Trojan: Storage device for replicating codes... ------------------------------------------------------------------------ [ 19] ZMODEM: Big bits, Soft blocks, Tighter ASCII... ------------------------------------------------------------------------ [ 20] Life would be much easier if I had the source code. ------------------------------------------------------------------------ [ 21] Mommy! The cursor's winking at me! ------------------------------------------------------------------------ [ 22] Managing programmers is like herding cats. ------------------------------------------------------------------------ [ 23] Do files get embarrassed when they get unzipped? ------------------------------------------------------------------------ [ 24] Capt'n! The spellchecker kinna take this abuse! ------------------------------------------------------------------------ [ 25] C:\BELFRY is where I keep my .BAT files. ------------------------------------------------------------------------ [ 26] ASCII to ASCII, DOS to DOS. ------------------------------------------------------------------------ [ 27] "Mr. Worf, scan that ship." "Aye, Captain... 300 DPI? ------------------------------------------------------------------------ [ 28] How do I set my laser printer on stun? ------------------------------------------------------------------------ [ 29] The best way to accelerate a Mac is at 9.8 m / sec^2 ------------------------------------------------------------------------ [ 30] "!sgub evah t'nseod CP sihT ?sgub naem ayaddahW" ------------------------------------------------------------------------ [ 31] "E=Mc^5...nahhh...E=Mc^4...nahh...E=Mc^3...ah, the hell with it." ------------------------------------------------------------------------ [ 32] "Today's subliminal thought is:" ------------------------------------------------------------------------ [ 33] 'Profanity: the universal programming language' ------------------------------------------------------------------------ [ 34] 'Calm down -- it's only ones and zeros.' ------------------------------------------------------------------------ [ 35] '.... now touch these wires to your tongue!' ------------------------------------------------------------------------ [ 36] Computer analyst to programmer: "You start coding. I'll go find out what they want." ------------------------------------------------------------------------ [ 37] LSD: virtual reality without the expensive hardware. ------------------------------------------------------------------------ [ 38] According to my calculations the problem doesn't exist. ------------------------------------------------------------------------ [ 39] C:\GRAPHICS\GIF\NAUGHTY\FILTHY\DISGUSTING\WOW! ------------------------------------------------------------------------ [ 40] Computer Science: solving today's problems tomorrow. ------------------------------------------------------------------------ [ 41] It said, "Insert disk #3," but only two will fit! ------------------------------------------------------------------------ [ 42] RAM DISK is not an installation procedure! ------------------------------------------------------------------------ [ 43] Computers are only human. ------------------------------------------------------------------------ [ 44] Was that your wife I saw in that GIF? ------------------------------------------------------------------------ [ 45] I used to have a life, then I got v32bis! ------------------------------------------------------------------------ [ 46] If the pen is mightier than the sword, and a picture is worth a thousand words, how dangerous is a FAX? ...... About 85% of a GIF. ------------------------------------------------------------------------ [ 47] This time it will surely run. ------------------------------------------------------------------------ [ 48] I just found the last bug. ------------------------------------------------------------------------ [ 49] The generation of random numbers is too important to be left to chance. -Robert R. Coveyou Oak Ridge National Laboratory ------------------------------------------------------------------------ [ 50] It's redundant! It's redundant! -R. E. Dundant ------------------------------------------------------------------------ [ 51] Bug? That's not a bug, that's a feature. -T. John Wendel ------------------------------------------------------------------------ [ 52] The programmer's national anthem is 'AAAAAAAAHHHHHHHH'. -Weinberg, p.152 ------------------------------------------------------------------------ [ 53] Stack manipulation - the use of inflatable falsies. -Datamazing, 4/1/78 ------------------------------------------------------------------------ [ 54] On a clear disk you can seek forever. -Computerworld button ------------------------------------------------------------------------ [ 55] I write all my critical routines in assembler, and my comedy routines in FORTRAN. -Anonymous ------------------------------------------------------------------------ [ 56] If debugging is the process of removing bugs, then programming must be the process of putting them in. -Dykstra ------------------------------------------------------------------------ [ 57] "#define QUESTION ((bb) || !(bb)) - Shakespeare." ------------------------------------------------------------------------ [ 58] "Real programmers use: COPY CON PROGRAM.EXE" ------------------------------------------------------------------------ [ 59] May the bugs of many programs nest on your hard drive. ------------------------------------------------------------------------ [ 60] I'm a modemer and I'm OK. I post all night and I sleep all day. ------------------------------------------------------------------------ [ 61] I modem, but they grew back. ------------------------------------------------------------------------ [ 62] Logic: The art of being wrong with confidence... ------------------------------------------------------------------------ [ 63] Logic is neither an art or a science but a dodge. ------------------------------------------------------------------------ [ 64] To iterate is human; to recurse, divine. ------------------------------------------------------------------------ [ 65] Do you like me for my brain or my baud? ------------------------------------------------------------------------ [ 66] If at first you don't succeed, call it version 1.0 ------------------------------------------------------------------------ [ 67] Maintenance-free: When it breaks, it can't be fixed... ------------------------------------------------------------------------ [ 68] Memory dump: Amnesia... ------------------------------------------------------------------------ [ 69] Microwave: Signal from a friendly micro... ------------------------------------------------------------------------ [ 70] Modem: How a Southerner asks for seconds... ------------------------------------------------------------------------ [ 71] Nostalgia: The good old days multiplied by a bad memory... ------------------------------------------------------------------------ [ 72] WOMEN.ZIP: A great program, but it doesn't come with documentation... ------------------------------------------------------------------------ [ 73] WOMAN.ZIP: Great Shareware, but be careful of viruses... ------------------------------------------------------------------------ [ 74] 29A, the hexadecimal of the Beast. ------------------------------------------------------------------------ [ 75] SET DEVICE=EXXON to screw up your environment. ------------------------------------------------------------------------ [ 76] My BBS is baroque now. Please call Bach later with your Handel. ------------------------------------------------------------------------ [ 77] This BBS is ancient. Some say from the echocene. ------------------------------------------------------------------------ [ 78] God is REAL, unless explicitly declared INTEGER. ------------------------------------------------------------------------ [ 79] Asking if computers can think is like asking if submarines can swim. ------------------------------------------------------------------------ [ 80] From C:\*.* to shining C:\*.* ------------------------------------------------------------------------ [ 81] Nice computers don't go down. ------------------------------------------------------------------------ [ 82] Resistance is useless! (If [ 1 ohm) ------------------------------------------------------------------------ [ 83] AAAAAA - American Association Against Acronym Abuse Anonymous ------------------------------------------------------------------------ [ 84] Me and my two friends... GIF and Wesson. ------------------------------------------------------------------------ [ 85] I'm not a sysop, I just play one on the echoes. ------------------------------------------------------------------------ [ 86] CCITT - Can't Conceive Intelligent Thoughts Today ------------------------------------------------------------------------ [ 87] This message transmitted on 100% recycled electrons. ------------------------------------------------------------------------ [ 88] Todays assembler command : EXOP Execute Operator ------------------------------------------------------------------------ [ 89] Justify my text? I'm sorry but it has no excuse. ------------------------------------------------------------------------ [ 90] Programming is an art form that fights back. ------------------------------------------------------------------------ [ 91] [If you can't hear me, it's because I'm in parentheses] ------------------------------------------------------------------------ [ 92] grep..grep..grep... (Frog with UNIX stuck in its' throat) ------------------------------------------------------------------------ [ 93] "Daddy, what does FORMATTING DRIVE C mean?" ------------------------------------------------------------------------ [ 94] [-------- The information went data way --------] ------------------------------------------------------------------------ [ 95] All wiyht. Rho sritched mg kegtops awound? ------------------------------------------------------------------------ [ 96] Backups? We doan *NEED* no steenking baX%^~,VbKx NO CARRIER ------------------------------------------------------------------------ [ 97] My mail reader can beat up your mail reader. ------------------------------------------------------------------------ [ 98] My Go this amn keyboar oesn't have any 's. ------------------------------------------------------------------------ [ 99] My computer NEVER cras ------------------------------------------------------------------------ [ 100] Never forget: 2 + 2 = 5 for extremely large values of 2. ------------------------------------------------------------------------ [ 101] Nobody has ever, ever, EVER learned all of WordPerfect. ------------------------------------------------------------------------ [ 102] The world's coming to an end. Log off and leave in an orderly fashion. ------------------------------------------------------------------------ [ 103] To define recursion, we must first define recursion. ------------------------------------------------------------------------ [ 104] "The Soviet Union does not exist any more in its present format." CCCP:] format CCCP: /u -- Peter Piacenza Internet: sppp@hippo.ru.ac.za Tel. 27-471-3022384 Internet: chpp@unitrix.utr.ac.za (preferred).
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