New article: 25 September 1995 From: Citiwide FSB 666 Avenue of the Americas New York NY 10023 To: Mr. William Z Grates the 8th esq. Tin Pot Software Inc. 1 Virus Way Windowville PX 90210 Ref.: Your Gold Visa Card Credit Application Dear Mr. Grates We thank you for your recent written application for a Gold Visa Card with our esteemed establishment. Prior to issuance of your new Gold Visa Card there are a number of items on the application which require further explanation. 1). The entry for your last name appears to be erroneous. Unfortunately we can find no record on our database of over 4.5 billion people world wide who have a last name of "God". 2). Social security numbers are normally 9 digits long and have a specific format of ###-##-####. Your entry of simply "1" does not meet the aforementioned criteria. 3). The characteristics of a normal address are firstly a number followed by the name of a road. Subsequent lines usually include a city, a state of residence and a zip or postal code. An identifying country for overseas applicants should also be included. Regrettably your submission of "Heaven" is inappropriate. 4). Although the formats of dates of birth vary from country to country the requirement as indicated on our application specifically asks for "Month - Day - Year" format. Day 1 just does not cut it. 5). With reference to the line marked occupation we note that you wrote "Master of the Universe". As is the norm for all new applications, we checked both the personal references you supplied and received a somewhat different answer, to whit; Reference A says: The last I knew he was planning this huge scam which involved some massive blue chip company in New York and he was going to sell them a right bill of goods for millions and millions of dollars. He said not only was he going to get a shit load of money but after it was a done deal and they read the small print they would find that all they had bought was a load of floppy plastic things. The stuff on them still belonged to him and each time they tried to sell one of these things they would have to send him a kick back. He said the best of it was though, was that he still hadn't dreamed up what to put on the floppy plastic things and he could make any old crap up. Reference B says: During our days at school together I was always disgusted at the peddling and pimping which he undertook. The sale of dirty needles, bad acid, dried tea leaves mixed with the cannabis, cocaine diluted with talcum powder, water mixed with the vodka and whiskey and of course all the prostitutes had to have either VD or gonorrhea. The fast money he made for the shitty services he provided and a take it or leave it attitude certainly left a bad taste in many of his punters' mouths (and their bloodstream). 6). The box for annual income clearly has sufficient room for a standard entry of up to 7 digits. The $2,000,000,000.00 you tried to fit in their cannot be read by our digital imaging computer (which we note is running on Tin Pot Software) and we ask that you amend this to a size more in line with the available technology. Furthermore, should you insist on including a figure which is almost as large as the national debt we will of course require proof of income which should be in the form of a recent weekly pay stub or a pay packet if you are paid in cash. 7). We have on our applications numerous boxes for existing financial obligations, mortgage payments, car payments, alimony, other regular financial commitments and miscellaneous. We are unable to accept "I own you" and "You owe me" as suitable answers to these questions and we ask that you refrain from being supercilious in your reply. 8). Finally, we always include a couple of lines entitled "Please list any other pertinent information which may help us in assessing your application". Regrettably your answer of "Please see attached" is inadmissible especially when we found a 35,000 word diatribe in manuscript format accompanying your application. Further review of this manuscript led us to believe that your intentions are not altogether in keeping with the goodness of our fellow man, specifically: a). You wanted the manuscript published in the New York Times and the Washington Post. b). O J is as guilty as hell c). Michael Jackson is a pedophile d). Serbia should be nuked out of existence e). Saddam is a wuss f). Orville Redenbacher made crappy popcorn g). President Clinton is an arsehole and so is Bill h). Tin Pot software is crash proof i). I am God and I am never wrong And other seemingly endless manifestations and propaganda which are far too lengthy to go into here. You may reply in a similar format as to the outline of this document and until such time as we receive your reply we regret to inform that on this occasion your application for a GOLD VISA CARD has been "DENIED". Should you have any comments or suggestions you may write directly to: The Equal Opportunities and Fair Trades Commission 666 Avenue of the Americas New York NY 10023 and mark your envelope "Another stupid crybaby who has been refused credit" Yours faithfully The Credit Department. ________________________________________________________________ This material was conceived, written, composed and presented by: Steve Warrington. You are free to make copies but please acknowledge the author.
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