The following story is fiction. It is not ment to offend Mike Spindler
nor Apple's shareholders. I am not the author, however I considered
it funny.
Dorin Panescu
***************************************************************
Subject: Time: 11:38 AM
OFFICE MEMO HUMOR - Apple stock below 30 and... Date: 1/19/96
OFFICE MEMO
Date:1/18/96
SPINDLER CALLS IN AIR STRIKE, DESTROYS APPLE TO SAVE IT
Stock Price Increases 50%
"We'll do it better," Says Microsoft
CUPERTINO, Calif. ------- JANUARY 18, 1996 ------
The massive pile of smoking rubble near Interstate 280 here in Cupertino
was not the result of an earthquake or natural gas explosion, as
officials first believed.
It now appears that the terrific explosion and fire at Apple Computer
headquarters was the result of the first corporate-initiated airstrike
on U.S. or California soil in U.S. history.
Sources within Apple have told newspapers that, in an effort to save
Apple from an internal coup that would result in the breakup and sale of
the company, embattled Apple CEO Michael Spindler called in elements of
the California Air National Guard, based at Moffet Federal Air Station
in Mountain View, Calif. to bomb and strafe his own headquarters.
Spindler allegedly called the California Air National Guard late last
night and ordered the airstrike, using an Apple Macintosh Quadra A/V
with experimental sound cards to simulate the voice of California
Governor Pete Wilson.
Within Apple, Spindler is seen as a hero. "Cool! He called in an
airstrike on his own position to save his company," said one internal
Apple applications developer, who gave his name as "Scooter." "It was
like one of those cool movies about, like, you know, Viet Nam, that I
read about it on the Web, dude."
A memo to key staffers, reportedly written by Spindler himself,
explained the need for the sir strike to counter moves by Apple managers
and board members to oust him in a corporate coup and to simultaneously
increase the company's marginal revenue. "Existing Macintoshes, both
those in use and those in warehouses, will instantly become collector's
items and therefore increase dramatically in value," according to the
memo, which went on to explain that "this action will therefore
increase our margins on existing stock with no cost to our sales and
manufacturing operations." Spindler, said to be ailing, is in
seclusion. Attempts to reach him by phone mail and fax were
unsuccessful.
Apple stock shot up 50% on the news, as Wall Street apparently agreed
with Spindler's strategy. "Blowing up his own headquarters was a stroke
of genius," said one Wall Street analyst. "This is the kind of pure
creative, self-destructive genius we used to see when Steve Jobs was at
Apple. It's like the old days. Mac is back!" Overall, computer stock
stocks rose 75% as a result of the Apple news, then plunged 80% later
in the day on rumors that Dan Dorfman had been seen having lunch with
Jim Clark and Marc Andreeson.
The Spindler airstrike memo, obtained via Internet e-mail by this
reporter, was fragmented and missing key information. Apparently, the
strike was planned for January 1, but key aides to Spindler did not
receive the e-mail until yesterday due to routing table buffer problems
and addressing errors.
Cupertino city officials issued a statement at 10:00 PST this morning
calling the air strike "an unfortunate incident that, while we hope we
will all gain something from it, we hope it did not offend anyone of
any race, creed, color, religion, thought process or emotional state,
and we must emphasize that the City of Cupertino had no role in this
incident if it did." Class-action lawsuits against Apple and the city,
alleging emotional trauma resulting in a lost train of thought, loss of
computing resources and interrupted Internet access have already been
filed in California State Court.
Later, when told by federal officials that the city will qualify for
both federal disaster relief funds and labor department funds for
unemployment and job training programs as a result of the destruction,
Mayor Bob Mellow said, "Cool. We applaud Apple and Mike Spindler for
having the vision and courage to take this decisive action, and hope
that our earlier statement was taken in the spirit in which it was
meant."
In Redmond, Wash., Microsoft announced plans to build and detonate
several networked low-yield nuclear devices at its own headquarters some
time in 1997. "This is a project we already had underway," said a
spokeswoman for Microsoft chairman Bill Gates. "We just decided that
the marketplace won't be ready for it until 1997. Or 1998, if we
decide that's when we really want to do it. Or maybe later. Right
now, we're hiring additional staff, developing new technology and
getting ready to copy Apple's idea, strategy and execution. Oops, I
meant to say that we're evaluating previously extant competitive
actions." The project, dubbed Curtains `97, is expected by analysts to
be complete some time in 1999.
Apple announced it will sue Microsoft in federal court over the "look
and feel" of the use of explosive devices in business and home computing
product strategies.
-30-
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