REAL PROGRAMMERS:
Real programmers don't eat quiche. Real programmers don't even
know how to spell quiche, and actually don't care. They like:
twinkies, coke, any junk from a vending machine, and palate-
scorching Szechwan food.
Real programmers don't write specs. Users should consider
themselves lucky to get any programs at all and take what they
get.
Real programmers don't comment their code. If it was hard to
write, it should be hard to understand.
Real programmers don't document. Documentation is for simps who
can't read the listings or the object deck.
Real programmers don't draw flowcharts. Flowcharts are, after
all, the illiterate's form of documentation. Cavemen drew
flowcharts; look how much good it did them.
Real programmers don't write applications programs; they program
right down on the bare metal. Applications programming is for
feebs who can't do systems programming.
Real programmers don't use LOGO. Wake up. NO programmers use
LOGO after age 9.
Real programmers don't write in BASIC. Actually, no programmers
write in Basic after reaching puberty.
Real programmers don't use APL, unless the whole program can be
written on one line.
Real programmers don't use LISP! Only effeminate programmers use
more parentheses than actual code.
Real programmers don't write in Cobol. Cobol is for wimpy
applications programmers.
Real programmers don't write in Fortran. Fortran is for wimpy
engineers who wear white socks, pipe stress freaks and
crystallography weenies who get all excited over finite state
analysis and nuclear reactor simulation.
Real programmers don't write in PL/1. PL/1 is for programmers who
can't decide whether to write in Cobol or Fortran.
Real programmers don't write in Pascal, or Bliss, or Ada, or any
of those pinko computer science languages. Strong typing is for
people with weak muscles.
Real programmers' programs never work right the first time. But
if you throw them on the machine they can be patched into working
in only a few 30-hour debugging sessions.
Real programmers never work 9 to 5. If any Real Programmers are
around at 9:30 AM, it's because they were up all night.
Real programmers don't play tennis, or any other sport that
requires you to change clothes. Mountain climbing is OK, and
real programmers wear their climbing boots to work in case a
mountain should suddenly spring up in the middle of the machine
room.
Real programmers don't like the Team Programming concept. Unless,
of course, they get to be the Chief Programmer.
Real programmers have no use for managers. Managers are a
necessary evil. Managers are for dealing with personnel bozos,
bean counters, senior planners, and other mental defectives.
Real programmers don't drive clapped out Mavericks. They prefer
BMWs, Lincolns, or pickup trucks with floor shifts. Fast
motorcycles are rare but highly regarded.
Real programmers like vending machine popcorn. Coders pop it in
the microwave oven. Real programmers use the heat given off by
the CPU. They can tell which job is running just by listening to
the rate the corn is popping.
Real programmers know every nuance of every instruction, and use
them in every program. Puppy architect types won't allow execute
instructions to address another execute as the target
instruction. Real programmers despise such petty restrictions.
Real programmers don't bring brown bag lunches to work. If the
vending machine sells it, they eat it. If it's not in the
vending machine, they don't. Vending machines don't sell quiche.
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