================================================================================ 50 Ways to Confuse the Heck out of People in Dining Halls by Robert Chen ================================================================================ 1. Find two straws, preferably with wide tubes. Insert into your nostrils. Inhale your food. 2. Don't go to the dining hall. Live there and never leave. When people come in, harass for news of the outside world and tell them how the dining hall needs new ketchup. 3. Before eating, say grace. Punctuate by slamming your face into your food. 4. After obtaining your food, proceed to throw it out the nearest window. Turn to the person nearest to you and say, "Wow! Did you ever see [name of dish] fly like that before?" 5. Hide behind the milk dispenser. Moo every time someone gets milk. 6. Go up to the server and ask to see the chef. After he/she is introduced, request an off-the-menu meal consisting of lightly blackened escargot, a simmering seafood bisque, a delicately roasted rack of lamb in a basil cream sauce, and a tart but not sweet dessert of his/her own concoction. When he or she refuses, punch 'em and proceed to make this meal yourself. 7. After finishing your meal, look at your brand of china. Proceed to look at everyone else's, regardless of whether they're finished eating or not. Complain how the school is too cheap to buy some real Wedgewood china. Then dump your dishes and waste food in the trash and explain how it would be cheaper to buy new dishes than to wash the old ones. 8. During the meal, start a conversation about the innocence of Jeffrey Dahmer. Then look at everybody's limbs with a marked amount of interest. Then "involuntarily" drool. 9. Stand in line for the food. After getting your food, smear it over your body and return to the end of the line. Repeat. 10. (For hot meals only.) Complain how cold it is in the dining hall. Then remark specifically how much you're freezing your ass off. Strip down and sit on your food let out a loud sigh. 11. Instead of getting a fork, knife, and spoon, get three spoons. Cut your meat with them and pretend not to notice. 12. Do not to use glasses. Anytime you feel like having a drink, go up to the liquid dispenser, wrap your mouth around it, and press the button. Complain that it goes too fast. 13. If you feel gassy, burp (or fart) to the tune of Jingle Bells. 14. Stand next to the salad bar. Every time someone reaches for some food, yell, "HEY!" and shake your head. 15. Remark on how the food's sanitation is open to question. Recall the time you saw the chef blow snot rocks into the food "for seasoning." Ask the person next to you to be your Food Tester. 16. Enter the dining hall naked. If you're not immediately removed from the premises, sit next to someone eating. Ask him or her how they're enjoying their meal. 17. Ask how the lettuce was killed. After the initial pause of confusion, shake your head angrily and yell, "What about vegetables?! Don't they have rights too?!" 18. Grab a big handful of whatever it is you're eating and shove it into your neighbor's face. Offer him or her a bite. 19. Get your food and sit down. Count out loud the number of grains of rice you received, starting again every once in a while. When you're done, go up to the server and tell him or her how you were cheated out of 8 grains and proceed to make a scene. 20. Same as above, but with burgers. 21. When they're not looking, empty your bladder into an empty glass. Show contents to everyone and say, "This apple juice tastes funny. Here. Try some." 22. Every time someone takes a bite of their food, laugh uncontrollably. Stop suddenly and warn everyone not to laugh. Then take a bite of yours while giving everyone an evil eye. 23. Get a friend. Practice weightlifting tables. If people complain, weightlift them. 24. Get some clean plates and empty glasses. Sit down and stare them down. 25. During the meal, yell out, "Oh my God! It's still alive!" Grab your knife and start hacking at the meat. 26. Dress in clothes with lots of pockets. When you're in the dining hall, stuff them with all the food you can find. Waddle out of the dining hall, but on the way out, remark how the dining hall never has enough food. 27. Practice snarfing. 28. Shortly after your meal, complain how the dining hall always serves the same food. Then stick your finger down your throat and proceed to vomit back on your plate. Start eating (or drinking) again, and say, "It doesn't taste quite right the second time." 29. Bring insects and small rodents. Release. 30. Dress in a toga. After getting your food, find a comfortable place to recline. Throw your utensils on the floor and start eating Romanically. Explain how you never should have trusted that Brutus guy. 31. Switch the label on skim milk with the one on whole milk. 32. Yell to someone walking by, "I'll take two hot dogs, and my son will have some peanuts." 33. After getting all your food, sit down. Start arranging your food alphabetically, from left to right. Ask the person next to you whether you should put orange juice under "o" or "j." 34. Bring in a television and VCR. Set it up to play "Faces of Death." Eat avidly as you describe each screen to everyone. Embellish. Don't be afraid to speak while your mouth is full. 35. Get a large container and fill it with milk. Pour its contents into the cereal dispenser. Dispense cereal. Complain about how you always get too much milk. 36. Go up to someone you don't know and say, "Can I toast your buns?" 37. Talk to your food. Tell it to quit complaining or else you'll chew more. 38. Find and remove all the green Froot Loops from the cereal dispenser. Then announce to everyone that you're charging a nickel for each green Froot Loop. If they refuse, tell them that they're not REAL Froot Loop eaters. Proceed to crush the green Froot Loops and sniff them. 39. Stand where everyone empties their trays. Offer to eat everything unfinished. 40. "Pass the pepper and salt, please." 41. Dress up in coat and tie. Find a table where everyone's done eating. Inform them of the daily special desserts and take their orders. 42. Try to pick up members of the opposite sex. For Men: "I've got a large, hard banana. Wanna piece?" For Women: "I've got a moist, wet fruit cake (or cherry). Wanna indulge?" 43. During the meal, tell about the time you beat a boulder to death with your pet turtle. 44. Find a full table. Ask, "Is anyone sitting under there?" Proceed to eat beneath the table. Ask for amenities such as napkins and ketchup. Comment on how nice everyone's shoes look. 45. If sitting with someone with whom you're romantically interested, complain how the setting isn't very romantic. Apologize. Then give a look of resolve and proceed to smash all the lights in the dining hall. Sit back down and remove the shattered glass from your partner's food. 46. Bring in a cordless or cellular phone. Order pizza. 47. During the meal, complain how constipated you've been recently. Then pause for two minutes, occasionally moaning. Smile. Then ask for some napkins. Use them as toilet paper. 48. Same as above, except with pita pockets instead of napkins. 49. If you're have Swedish meatballs, pretend that they taste bad. Then say, "These pigs testicles were better in El Salvador." And, to thoroughly confuse people... 50. Comment on how GOOD the food is!
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